Before you go... //h.s

Lights up

The morning came, and it was even more unwelcome than usual because I knew that with the shards of light came the dreaded notion that Harry had to leave again.

I pulled the duvet tighter around me, so it reached up to my chin, heating me through. I lay still on my back, staring at the white, clean ceiling and feeling as empty as Harry's apartment, almost devoid of any emotion.

Harry lay beside me, breathing deeply in his sleep and I couldn't help but envy the peaceful look on his face. I was convinced that I didn't even look peaceful in my sleep anymore; my brows probably furrowed, and my lips flattened into a line.

Or that's how it felt anyway because my anxiety carried through to my sleepless nights where I was lucky if I got a few hours of rest. Being beside Harry helped of course, his presence comforting but I'd still lain awake last night in his bed, staring at the ceiling as I wondered what the point was in even living when I didn't enjoy anymore.

I loved Harry and being with him, but that was tainted but the worry of being photographed and more hate.

My job was fine, but boring.

My life was just mundane and it didn't feel like there was much point in living it anymore. These thoughts continued, spiralling deeper and deeper until tears began to creep silently down my cheeks because I didn't want to wake sleeping Harry up.

He would have wanted me to wake him up, I know, but I couldn't bring myself to do it when he looked so peaceful. The tears rolled down my face, trickling onto the duvet which quickly soaked up all the water drops.

'Mornin' darlin',' Harry's raspy morning voice cut through the silence, disturbing me. I'd been so wrapped up in my own depressing thoughts that I hadn't even noticed his change in breathing. As I cursed myself silently for my dumbness, I tried to wipe my tears on Harry's t-shirt, which he'd insisted on me wearing, to hide any evidence of my slight breakdown.

He finally cracked open his eyes, wincing as the bright morning light pierced them and turned his head to me, pouting his lips slightly for a quick morning kiss.

When he saw my face though, his eyes flickered open regardless of the shards of light and he furrowed his brows in concern; the peaceful morning expression he'd woken up with completely wiped off his face. This was why I hadn't told him, I didn't want him to worry.

He deserved someone who was as strong as he was and not some quivering mess like me.

'Iris...iris...talk to me,' he whispered worriedly,

'I'm sorry,' I immediately apologised, yet again over apologising unnecessarily. He bit down on his lip as he looked at me, trying to decipher my red face as a few tears still leaked down my cheeks unwantedly.

'You need to stop putting yourself last and pretending you're okay so everyone else won't have to worry about you. One day all the hidden emotions will bubble out stronger and worse than ever,' he murmured, reaching down to clasp my hand tightly in his.

I nod, biting my lip tightly to try and prevent any more tears from falling. It was bad enough that I was crying in front of Harry, but now he was going to worry about me constantly because that's just who he was: he was so caring and would go to the ends of the earth for people who he loved.

'Your eyes are loosing their lights and I'm worried I'm the reason,' he adds when I don't reply, whispering sombrely as his sentence completely catches me off guard because of course my beautiful, kind Harry would never cause this pain.

It's the rest of the world and their harsh rumours and vicious comments that had set my anxiety and ocd on constant standby, leaving me feeling like shit.