Before you go... //h.s

Sunset Boulevard

It's been exactly two weeks and four days since I broke up with Harry and now the stabbing hurt has turned to a dull ache in my heart and stomach that can't be ignored.

My heart is shattered, the pieces spread on the wind with no hope of getting back together and as I lie in my bed staring at the clock on my phone, I can't help but feel as though I should have stopped wallowing by now.

I went back to work after a week and even Ash who usually sings out what he thinks with no hesitation was walking on eggshells around me.

My phone clicked from 11:58 to 11:59 because even if the people who knew me cared that I was hurting, the universe didn't. It would continue to turn, like would continue to go on no matter how shitty an individual was feeling.

And in a way, that was comforting, it put my problems in a perspective where they weren't so big, where no else really cared and in a way that was helping my completely hurt, cracked heart feel slightly less like burning itself and floating even further down the abyss.
11:59.

12:00. 5th  October 2019. Happy fucking birthday Iris, I thought to myself, finishing the thought just as Maya barged through my door, Stanley's fish bowl in one hand and a chocolate cake with a single lit candle in the centre in her other hand.

The sight was so ridiculous that I almost let out a laugh as she gently put Stanley's bowl on my dresser and walked over to me, warbling Happy Birthday as she did so. Her singing voice was still fucking awful, but I appreciated the effort.

'Go on then, make a wish,' she said as she placed the cake in my lap.

'No. Wishes don't work for me – you should be able to tell that from the shitshow that I call a life,' I deadpanned at her and she rolled her eyes, not standing for any of my depressing bullshit.

'Aw Iris, it's your birthday, if there's any day a wish will work, it's today. You have to make this wish – you only get so many wishes in your life, you know, like fallen eyelashes, birthday candles, shooting stars... you have to wish when you get the chance,' she told me firmly and I sighed in resignation, knowing she wouldn't give up until I'd made a wish.

'Fine,' then I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath to blow the single candle out.

'What d'you wish for?' She asked the second my eyes opened, but I put a finger to my lips and shook my head gently. I wasn't going to tell her.

We sat in my bed, both of us holding a fork as we dug into the cake without cutting slices, just taking chunks out of the side. Disgusting – probably but did we care? Absolutely not.

As we consumed the delicious chocolatey cake, we watched a film. Of course, it was an old one – Sunset Boulevard - black and white with posh, formal old accents and long skirts that would never sit above the knee.

It was nearly 2am by the time the ending credits of the film began to play and we were tucked under the duvet, the chocolate cake forgotten at the end of my bed as we both clutched our stomachs in pain from eating too much.

Maya had slid further and further down from her sitting position until she was practically lying down as her head leaned against my arm. Her eyes were fluttered closed – she wasn't properly asleep, but she wasn't fully awake either, just that perfect relaxing in between.

I bit my lip, looking longingly out of my window where all I could see was just darkness. Endless night stretching on and on blanketing the sleeping city of New York.

But for once, the sight didn't comfort me, it just made me feel homesick. Ever since I'd been to LA, got on a plane, I'd begun to think that going home would be a good idea. Just to see my parents, see my brother, see my old friends, walk around my old town and reminisce at the simpleness my life used to hold when all I had to worry about was whether my hair was frizzy or my mum not letting me go out.