Before you go... //h.s

A drop in the Ocean

I was worried I had made the worst mistake of my life.

My anxiety addled brain had led me to believe that as soon as I broke up with Harry, all the hate would stop. But of course, that wasn't the case and hate still flowed into my dm's, into my comments. No-one except the two of us was aware that we'd broken up.

Now I had the extra stress of whether people would recognise me. I hadn't even realised that that would ever happen, but just my luck, that girl in the coffee shop had made me realise it was a possibility.

Not that that was going to happen since I hadn't stepped outside our apartment in one week so far. I had lain on the hard floor of my room, staring at the empty ceiling and falling further and further into an abyss that I knew only Harry would be able to draw me out of.

But I didn't have Harry anymore.

His absence left me a shell. I dazedly pushed through day after day, numbness consuming me. I couldn't smile, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't even appreciate it when Maya tried to drag me out to the club. It was as though I was floating, there in person, but not in spirit; I could see a figure sitting in my chair, lying on my floor, talking to Maya...she looked like me, but I wasn't there.

I was with Harry, wherever he was, whatever he was doing, he had my heart with him. He'd stolen my soul and I would never be the same. I'd had breakups before, but never one that hurt my soul so much as this one did. I couldn't comprehend how we'd broken up, I couldn't accept that I would never again feel his touch electrifying my skin, I would never again be able to sneak a kiss from him. But more than the physical aspect, I missed his laughter, I missed talking to him and missed watching tv with with. I had never appreciated the simple things enough while we were together and now we...we weren't...I should have appreciated everything while I had the chance.

The hard on my back and uncomfortableness growing in my back with each second, I lay there felt fitting, I felt like I deserved the pain because I was all too aware that it had been me that had broken up with him. I wasn't going to be that girl who tried to blame the people who wrote the hate comments from behind their screen though, I knew that this was my decision.

The very worst thing about all of this was that as much as I missed Harry and I knew I would always love him, I knew that the break-up had been the best thing for me.

However people meet, one thing I am certain of is that we were destined to collide with a force that knocked the world out from under us. The nine months I'd known him, and six months I'd been able to call him mine were the best of my life, and also the worst.

When I'd looked at him, I'd seen my future. I had been certain of that; I saw everything I wanted, everything I needed in his beautiful smile. But even the most beautiful things can be taken away.

Maya had lain with me for a few days, silence enveloping us apart from the occasional sob slipping out of me as the reality hit me again and again around the face. My heart was bruised, my eyes red and my cheeks constantly stained with tears.

She'd tried all our usual tactics to cheer up: chocolate ice cream, watching old comforting black and white films and dance parties but none of it had worked. Even when she'd finally discovered where I kept my cigarettes, I didn't feel like smoking which had always been something I'd done on the worst days of my life.

I had no energy at all.

Things I used to enjoy, find fun in seemed pointless. Even waking up seemed too much effort when I had nothing to look forward to. Which is why I had lay still on my floor for so long. If I kept this up, I would sink into it soon. But that wouldn't be so bad.