Joy And Pain [COMPLETED]

Reflection

Joy
Am I crazy in love?

That's what I keep asking myself.

I just finished a ladies night with Kesha, Laylay, Tatiana, Dean and Greg and lemme say it first mama is tired.

They all suggested a night out but I'm kind of regretting it now.

I didn't think planning a small wedding would have me this wore out. I guess it didn't help that I was also working on getting Koi to sleep in his crib and between him and Pain they were both giving me hell.

Kesha keeps telling me everything will be fine while Dean keeps reassuring me its not too soon.

I know Kesha really wanted to help but I feel like my wedding was taking time for the other things she had on her schedule even though she insisted she could handle it. I just didn't want her to be overwhelmed on the account of me. While Dean kept reassuring me it wasn't too soon to get married I kinda started to think again was it too soon?

I went in there thinking rationally but by the time I left everyone wanted to talk about Sasha and her little show she put on.

The woman was beautiful and mad. 

Honestly I felt a little bad cause I loved Pain that much. I mean I wouldn't beg for him in front of a group of people but I'd fight for him. Hell I'd damn near die for him.

In the end I couldn't help but think of her words. Did Pain really love me or was it because I had Koi?

Hell I was doing fine all the way up until the engagement party and from there it was like I was constantly worrying or second guessing myself. It's like my emotions were everywhere. 

I keep having this vivid dream where I don't know what happened but somehow were separated. One minute me and Pain are together and then the next he's gone and it's just me and Koi.

I'm not goin to lie I'm kinda of scared of losing him again. Like before but this time him choosing to walk away or maybe something even worse. Something permanent. I know it sounds crazy but I literally love Pain to my core and without him I just don't know. The thought of him gone scares me.

I have been pushing these thoughts to the back of my mind because everything has really been going great.

I wake up to the love of my life and our son every morning. I talk wit my best friends who all seem to be doin great and are happy. I'm planning my wedding to the man of my dreams. My brother in law loves and respects me. My sister in laws...it sounds crazy but all three of them seem to like me and everything just seems to be falling into place. I just cant help but feel like something is going to go wrong. 

Its been a few days since his sister's left and I felt like maybe my activities didn't give them all the time to talk like they should.

They all definitely became comfortable with each other and bonded but I didn't want to ask Pain if he got the chance to talk. Trey told me he never got the chance to but I hoped Pain may have and gotten some sort of closure for them both. I know it's not easy to be faced with the other family their father abandoned them for only to realize they have a lot in common in the end.

It was like the last few days Pain seemed to be enjoying himself and right after everyone left he seemed to be lost in his thoughts again.

I hated this version of him because it seemed like he would shut me out.

I wasn't sure what it was but he seemed to be constantly thinking. 

I wasn't sure if I was trippin but I honestly started to wonder if Sasha's questions weighed on his mind and heart or if it was something else that preoccupied his mind.

My mind was everywhere so I figured my next counseling meeting maybe I could get some advice.

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