We've all been here.

Want but Can't

I want to give up, but I can't. It's been a long time since we last talked and no I'm not okay. Go to bed and wake up worse is how it's been for me lately. Wish I could turn back time to the good old days, when I was happier, but now I'm stressed out. Used to play pretend, give each other different names, fly a rocket ship far away, but now I always have to wake up, need to make money. I know it's useless to think about this and that, but I'm just tired. Why can't I have anything that makes me happy. Sundays are my only happy days but I can't have happiness because it dosen't make you people happy. I wanna run away, the day to day is taking it's toll on me. Feel bad wake up worse again. Yeah, I don't even know if I'll make it. I'm stumbling back to bed all by myself guess I don't need anybody else. I wanna cry out for help but I can't because every time I do that I'm always put down. What's the point of having feelings if there's nobody to share them with, cause every time I do I'm always categorized as an emotional person, so I have to put on my emotionless face everyday, and I've had to do that ever since I met my family. Almost seventeen years of this stupidity and it's been tiring. I thought that when I become older all my fears would shrink, but now I'm insecure and I care about what people think. I want to be myself, but I can't be myself I haven't been myself for sixteen years. "Stop stuttering or else no one will hire you!" "Stop crying and work on it, if you can stay up late crying yourself to sleep then you can do work!" "Stop being dramatic!" FEEL BAD GO TO BED WAKE WORSE YEAH, SO SAD IN MY HEAD FEELING LIKE A CURSE. ALL THOSE NIGHTS ALONE... ALONE, I HATE IT. I HATE BEING ALONE. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE IT, I HATE IT BEING A ZERO, I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP MYSLEF BOTTLED UP, I WANNA THROW AWAY MY EMOTIONS BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL ANYMORE. I KEEP FEELING AND REMEMBERING EVERYTHING I HATE. WHY CAN'T JUST SAY "HEY CAN I CRY MY PROBLEMS TO YOU?" I JUST WANNA CRY, BUT I CAN'T, CAN'T, CAN'T, CAN'T, CAN'T GET RID OF MYSELF. I JUST WANNA DISAPPEAR BECAUSE FRANKLY NO ONE NEEDS ME ANYWAY. WHY GET SOMEONE LIKE ME WHEN I'M JUST GETTING DRUNK IN MY FEELINGS. I CAN'G GET RID OF IT, IT'S ALWAYS AT THE CORNER OF MY MIND, THE STUPID VOICE. AM I REALLY USELESS? ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO GET RID OF IT? I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD, CRY TO, SHARE MY EMOTIONS, LET OUT EVERYTHING. I WANNA BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS THE OPPOSITE OF ME. NO MATTER HOW MUCH  I PUNCH THAT WALL, OR EXERCISE, OR EXHAUST MYSELF I'M STILL A ZERO. WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, IT'S ALL I EVER DO YET I CAN'T GET BETTER BECAUSE EVERYTIME I GO INTO THIS STATE I BECOME USELESS. WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE KEEP BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM, CAN'T I AT LEAST HAVE SOME MORPHINE TO TAKE AWAY SOME OF THE PAIN JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE? I NOW I'LL NEVER LIVE TO THEIR EXPECTATIONS, BUT I WANNA BE ABLE TO LIVE. YOU WON'T LE ME LIVE, YOU WON'T LET ME DIE, THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?