We've all been here.

Untitled part

So umm... I'm gonna be real with you guys and please try to feel me because I'm about to write everything I feel and how I've been feeling so please...  I'm about to pour my entire heart and soul into this part.

I just want to have a happy family like the normal kids. I wanted to have a childhood that's why a sixteen year old like me is watching cartoons and reading comics to understand what everybody's childhood was like. I never grew up with a childhood, I grew up training and working. I've tried so hard trying to make this work, but my quote "father" is making this hard. You see I've already left him before because he broke me mentally and emotionally and I haven't had psychiatrist to counsel me and I never told any of my friends because I was to broken to even try. I'm not going to go into too detail because that would require more than a year to explain with every detail no joke. I grew up not being able to tell how I felt and until now I can't let out everything because I just don't how. For sixteen years I've had to deal with this. I always hear those voices etched in my head by my father, "useless, hayop, idiot, stupid, waste of time, money, and space." Until now I still hear them. No matter how hard I punch that punching bag even until my hands bleed I still can't get my mind off it.

Sometimes when I'm by myself I let it all out, but still nothing... I just want to release all this emotions that have been locked in here for sixteen years, but I can't do it myself. I'm used to being alone, but I can't even bring myself to do it. I'm not trying to wallow in self-pity here okay? I'm just trying to let out what I can so please bear with me. I just wish I could spend more time with my friends and I would be much happier than I am now. I don't want to stay like this forever. For once on my life I don't want to be alone. For years I never understood what it meant to have friends, but now that there's Covid-19 it's hard to even get together.

One more thing I'm afraid of is a relationship. From everything I'm telling you it's obvious may "father" is not a very good one. I have no problem whoever my partner may be, but one of the reasons I don't want to be in a relationship is because I don't want to be like him in the relationship. If there's anything I've ever been afraid of it's getting into a relationship because my dad has never had a successful marriage. His first family left him because of psychological problems and now it looks like I have to leave him again this time for good. Anyways, as I was saying. I don't want to make someone go through what I've experienced especially if and hopefully never my family. I know I'm getting kinda far ahead in time here, but let me ask you, do you want your kids to ever go through this? No right?

Am I okay right now? No, I am not I'm really broken. I just want to curl up and give up on life, but no. I won't do that. I still have a lot of options. Is it gonna be easy? No as well. Will I cry most probably, but I'll do my best to cry to someone this time instead of being alone cause frankly I'm tired of alone time.  The funny thing is when you start feeling happy alone, that's when everyone decides to be with you. 

Well It's almost 1 A.M. here and my brain is broken as well as my heart. but you know what? It's okay to not be okay today, but today is not forever, I will be okay again one way or another. :)