We've all been here.

Zero

If you're like me then you're an adrenaline junkie. Unfortunately for me I an out of adrenaline and crashed my sleep schedule again, but I'm here awake trying to reset it. I don't wanna go back to being where I began, being a zero. I've never felt so helpless before hahaha. If only I was an anime protagonist who could handle intense training like Izuku. Even an anime mc can lift weights heavier than me. I just really hate going back into state of stupidity, it's not even sad it's just stupid for someone like me to go back to being like this. I hate having to fight myself all the time and beating myself into exercise. I know once I stop it'll be a lot harder to start up again. You get what I'm trying to say? I won't let myself live fully, but at the same time I just won't die already. I ask myself if I'm any good for anything other than destruction. I keep tearing myself apart physically, but I just won't give myself a break. 

I keep reducing myself to zero hoping something in me will change, but no. I'm still useless to myself. I can't get stronger like everyone else instead I'm getting weaker. Don't worry suicide isn't an option to me, but I'm sure just as tired of my stupidity as I am with myself. I wage my war, on the world inside, I take my gun to the enemy's side, trust me when I say I did to myself. I really am stupid huh? I keep stopping myself from being who I need to be with my stupid feelings. 

Playing guitar till my fingers hurt, writing till I find the words. Everybody says that nothing lasts forever, so I'm hanging on tight trying to keep all tied together. How do I keep this heart keep beating on and on? You wanna know how? Here I go again time to silence the ringing in my head, but when I am down I'll carry on. When it's cold in this wild, wild, world  and everyone's trying to dig your grave I carry on. When you're told you don't the fit the mold and now everybody's got a say I carry on. When the madness all around us starts to take it's toll I carry on, it's a long, dark, winding road we're on oh but I do what I do best, I carry on. Even if I am at my worst, even if I am this stupid, even if I am at zero, I still carry on because that's one thing I can do better than everyone else. 

Don't pity me because I'm like this. Remember I never like to give up on life because once I do that's time when I'm really at zero. I carry on knowing I've got friends who love me when I don't feel like it, I carry on knowing I'll only fail at first just to make an even greater success, and most importantly I carry on knowing God is there all the way even if I don't feel Him around.