We've all been here.

I'm Just Hurt.

Life update, I have a heart problem that triggers whenever I get emotionally or physically strained. Is it lethal? Yes, yes it is, but that dosen't bother me. I don't really care about the physical pain or the fact that I can die. It's the emotional pain that bothers me the most, no, actually it's what hurts me the most, it's what kills me. Dealing with this in the midst of a breakup is not good timing. See even typing this triggers it because every time I write I am emotionally strained. Apparently I need to see a psychiatrist, the doctor said. I might as well write out some of the stuff I feel here before giving to that person. I never liked psychiatrists. Why? Cause they can probably see my problems, they can see me. I don't want to be seen, cause if I am then they'll find out who I really am, yet there is no one who really wants to know me. Everyone I think that wants to know and be with me seems to just go away, leave me, never want to see me again. This pain is really heavy on me. To think I'm turning seventeen in a few weeks and I can't even prevent myself from being strained, and you'd think that years of hiding and suppressing my own self and emotions would help get the strain out. Did I forget to mention I was struck by lightning the other day? Yeah, the lightning damaged to the point where this can happen. I was struck cause it hit the electricity here in the house and there was no lightning-rod. It struck the second floor antenna probably, but the current redirected to me through my pc to my earphones and struck me. Good thing my pc and earphones aren't damaged, but that was real painful. From what it looks like this is gonna be permanent damage. Hiding the pain makes it more painful, but telling people how I feel and my problems isn't exactly what I do, ever since the breakup. These words were supposed to be simple, but it seems that's not the case. You know why I don't want to tell how I feel or take chances with anyone anymore? It's like sharing a dream with someone and once you say it out loud it can't be undone. I can't trust the fall, I don't feel safe at all. On top of all that my mind and soul are now at war and it never ends well. What do I mean by that? My mind is always bringing me down and just straight up trying to stab, meanwhile my soul or my "heart" is begging and crying out for help. I try to shut my mind up and get rid of the negative thoughts, but it dosen't end well... Remember how I said before that when I get too stressed mentally my body begins shake violently in short like a seizure, well it's back, but it has a voice now, and I need keep denying that voice, but the voice fights back using my own body. Am I crazy? Probably, probably not. Everyone keeps saying I'm this and that, but no one ever asks the question. Why is he like that? What caused him that pain? Last time I tried saying why and wanted to open up I was invalidated and rejected, so why the hell am I supposed to trust people, when I can't even trust my own family? Hell, even I trusted that she wanted to start over with me, big mistake. I should've known better than to do that. Will I ever find someone who I can truly trust and love? I know love is showing love despite being unloved, remembering them, despite being forgotten, doing all of the above and more without expecting anything in return, but is there anyone out there who wants to do this for me forever? "You're just a kid you don't know anything." So what, I'm a human and I know that despite my mind telling me that I'm only a machine built to work and that my feelings are irrelevant, though that would be an easier way out, an easier reality to accept, I refuse. I'm not going to take the easy way out, but it just seems like everyone is trying to look for a way out whenever I'm the one involved. I'm just trying to let you see the inside of my heart, but how can I do that when there is no one who wants to? I jump off into your arms, but I can't trust the fall. I just can't... Every time man I swear, it just seems like no one, no one can understand me, and if there is it's usually only for a moment then they don't anymore and just leave me and cut me off. They've probably forgotten me by now, but I hope they're good, I hope whoever they're with will never forget them and remember them. There are so many things hitting me at once at never seems to stop, the worst part is most of them hit me emotionally and not physically. Physical wounds will heal no mater what, but emotional wounds can become scars, open wounds that never seem to stop bleeding, and as time goes by they get worse instead of healing. I can't heal it myself, cause every time I do it gets worse, and it dosen't get better even after years. This page is staring back at me and I'm afraid to put a mark on it's face. Oh, it's getting painful again, at least my mind isn't bothering me for now, but it'll come by again that's for sure. Sometimes I understand what people say about me being "scary" now. I can't change what they think, but I'm not that scary, it's my mind that scares me sometimes, because it make me wonder if that's really me that's saying that or not...