We've all been here.

I'm Still Here

Slowly but surely I am slowly decaying inside, but at least I'm doing my best to hide it. I hate making people worry about me, and speaking of people she just joined and I need to leave for work in 2 minutes. Well, I'll continue this later, I just wanna be at peace with myself, but I don't want to give in to myself. It's currently 9:58 P.M. and the song just switched to "Oh Honey! (I Love You)." not a bad song whatsoever It's used to be one of my favs not gonna lie, but um yeah... It's been 6 hours since I've been able to continue this part again. So update, she dosen't reply anymore it's been a few since her last message, she said she wanted to start over as friends, but um, I think just imagined the "start over as friends" part. I don't know seems like nothing ever lasts with me even though I do my best to make sure it never breaks, but again I am known for being left alone especially in things like this so yeah I was wrong to hope.

Am I okay? To be honest no, I've never been so depressed my entire life to the point where I show no emotion on the outside and do my best to just show that I'm happy even though when I'm all by myself I do my best to hold those tears in and fight myself all the time. My bad self is always telling me "Useless **** you never deserved anything, you don't get to be happy. Remember? You're that one problem that no one ever wants to solve because your useless and a waste of time. You really thought that she out of everyone in the world would want to be with you? You should've just kept it all to yourself and never tried." Meanwhile here's a voice telling me, "Yes, you should've done more research, you shouldn't have have rushed in like that, but don't listen to yourself, the fact that you can hear this is good, you've never wanted to listen to this voice because you're too afraid to hope, you've hoped so many times that you only tell people a fracture of what you've actually been through. You tell people things about yourself, but never show them who you really are. You only tell them what you think is necessary. Up to this no one except God knows who you really are. Not even God can help you because you don't want to open up. Have you forgotten the principles you used to live by? You were just a kid, but you can't give up now it dosen't matter if your mom or dad or anyone else won't tell you this, you need this, write it out it'll hurt a lot, but how can you be helped when you don't want it?" Just to be clear I didn't say this, I wouldn't even have the guts to say this to myself, I know who said this, but I'll let you figure this one out for yourself. 

I leave you off with this saying. "There's always time to fix what's wrong."