We've all been here.

Me vs Me

You know how you want to help yourself, but you keep making worse for yourself when you want to help yourself. You just keep viewing yourself in a way that makes it worse for you, but you keep on trying to be positive, but every time you try your mind makes it worse for you. You keep battling you. You keep trying to be you, but you won't let you be you. There are times when I'm fine and everything is going well, but I make it worse for myself, you know what I mean? When there's no suffering around because all of it is inside you. When you're trying to be real, but you end up faking it. When you try to take of the mask, but end up wearing it your entire life. When the sun is shining all around you but it dosen't get rid of the darkness in you. When it's hot as hell outside but you're freezing like the Arctic inside. I'm getting repetitive already. Ok last one, when there is life all around you, but death is the only thing inside of you. Seriously though, do you get what I mean? I hate being me, but is this really me? Maybe I am just trapped somewhere and I need to escape and be free, but the same time I don't what is my actual prison. I have many things chaining me down, but which is the cause? What started it all? I know it's me that imprisoned myself but what caused me to do it? Why am I here? Why is everything I do always reversed by me? I keep talking and talking to myself, but at the same time I keep telling myself to give up, but I won't. I tell myself "I'm useless," but there's also me saying "No, I'm not." I keep battling myself and being at a never ending war since I was 9 years old. I used to be able to win the battles, but now it's either I lose or it's a disaster. Everyday I feel like I keep losing grip of myself. I have people to help me but I can't help myself to actually say how I feel. I'm not confused, I'm conflicted with myself. I keep breaking myself and going back to where I started, but most of the time I go back farther from where I started, I keep going back to the point where I keep being broke and broke. I can't process my own self, my feelings properly, yet I can process how other people feel and understand, but I can't seem to understand my own self. I keep getting conflicted with who I am, with what I am. I'm like a helper who can't be helped. I know there's help somewhere out there, but when and how much longer do I have to keep suffering this thing alone with out anyone who can truly go into my mind and understand the problems I see in myself and the problems I face. It's impressive how the mind can play with the truth. When you're so empty to disown everything you own. So often I feel desperate, my heart's in a place I don't even know anymore. I miss the days when I could handle to all these things alone. What happened to me? Give me my mind back, the one that told me I was worth somethin' when I fall flat. The one that told me I was worth something when I'm off track. Back when my imagination wasn't in a cage and it was free to run fast. Before it was hijacked and wasn't described as a place of limitation, always indicating I can't handle everything from my past. Handled anything it dissects 'til I'm depressed. I know I'm blessed, but I'm cursed too. Take me back when I was happy, but I wasn't acting .Vulnerable but didn't see it like some kind of weakness or a thing that's unattractive. Had emotion, but I learned to mask it. Didn't know what I was running after, didn't know the older I would grow the more I'd lose control and take in all the baggage. It's really sad when everything you thought was stable crashes everything you thought would take the sadness, but really only made it deeper, got me off the deep end asking, will we ever feel like we imagine? Will we ever feel like we adapted? Will we ever feel like we did back then? Just take me back when... But no we can't make time go back. I always have to keep moving forward despite of how I feel. Always taking a step forward instead of staying in one place and feeling the same damn thing every damn day. Whether I feel worse or better it's better to keep moving forward. I always end up hurting my damn self, but I don't want to anymore. I just want to be me without killing me all the time.