We've all been here.

What a Year

Here I am writing this late in the night even though I have training. I've been gone for a bit because of my training and I'll admit is very tiring, but at least I can clear my mind while climbing these mountains, yet not being able to past my own mountains. You know what? I'll try to be more open about feelings on this one.

My 2020 so far has been crap if I'm being honest. Christmas is near, but to be honest I don't want it to be. I just want to get past this year without crying for once. Everybody's got somebody, but me? Well if you haven't read the previous parts before this Christmas is one of the worst days of my life that ever happened to me. Now if your just gonna say you're too young to be depressed and whatever then just stop. I wish that were true then I wouldn't have to feel this junk. I really hate being like this, so weak without having anyone to be strong for me. I always have to be that person everyone looks up to, but to be honest if I acted more like myself around others they would probably regret ever being friends with me. I just want to be like everyone else you know? I just want someone to be able to see me, to see my heart, to feel how I feel, and to love me even when I am unlovable.

You may not believe this, but I am actually unlovable most of the time. Can you blame me if all I here from my father's mouth is nothing but hatred, and I'm not being dramatic here okay? I don't want to talk about the things he says, but he says stuff a dad would never say, even if I don't know what a real dad is like. People talk so much about how easy it is to love someone. Now you see it is easy to love someone and at the same time it more than easy to hate them. I am the type of guy who is very closed, insensitive, uncaring, cold, and I tend to hurt those who try to get close to me. I know I have to make effort to change and trust me I have been trying really hard. There's some improvement, but all it takes is just a few words to trigger my PTSD and everything goes down the drain. Funny how tough I can be on the outside, but really I'm more fragile on the insde than everyone else.

Hey you! Yeah, you. Thanks for putting up with me and taking time to listen to me through this book. It's nice to be on the receiving end for once. Writing this book has been a big help for me and I hope it has been for you too. Friends are a precious treasure that can't be replaced. If you have one of those few number of real friends, just know they'll love you no matter what others say about you. A life without love isn't worth living for. Good thing I know there are still a few who love me still. Just know whoever you are, and even if you don't have friends God will always love you, even if you don't feel it. Remember love is not feeling, it's a choice. That's why it takes real effort to keep loving someone of they are unlovable like me. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe I will be able find her this year or maybe next year.

See you in the next part! ;)