Wolfstar oneshots :)

Better

TW-anxiety attacks, graphic depictions of eating disorders, minor drug use
An/ I wanted bring awareness to these topics because I think they're misrepresented in fanfics a lot.

Sirius had to check the door three times before he turned the shower on, but not stepping in yet. He pulled his shirt off and
Pulled at his skin in the mirror, his thoughts grew larger and larger before he quickly turned and hunched over the toilet and slipped his fingers into his mouth.
Nothing but acid had come up.
When was the last time I ate?
Was it the night before, or since breakfast the previous day. Maybe even the day before that.
I've got it under control.
I've got it under control
He stopped into shower and ran his hands through his hair sighing when he could feel it in his hands.
He went to turn the water off but maybe the water was too hot or maybe he just hadn't eaten in a little too long or maybe there was just nothing in his stomach. he passed out.
Everything was a little blurry after that, can't really remember everything or anything really. But he was cold, he remembered that, he remembered suddenly being warm then cold then crying. He hard someone, maybe it was Remus or maybe it was James. Maybe it was no one and he was really still laying in the shower completely alone.

He was covered in every pillow and blanket in the dorm and still shivering. Remus was behind him. Sirius' head was in his lap and he had a warm cloth on his forehead
"Jesus pads why did you this" he brushed the hair out of Sirius eyes and kissed his head.
Sirius woke still wrapped and Remus arms "rems..rems" Remus held him tighter as Sirius cried
"I've got it under control"
"No-no Sirius you don't. It's okay. You're gonna be okay."
Sirius breathing got heavy and his chest got tighter. He tried to speak but he couldn't, it was all in his head, he could think and for sentences and full thoughts but all rhag came out were sobs. His body asked to get consumed in a hole of anxiety and his eyes darted around like he wasn't aware of where he was. He could feel Remus behind him but all he could think was
I have it under control.
I have it under control
I have it under control
I have it under control
Though the sentence seemed to repeat in his head nothing came out. He was clutching his chest and he couldn't hear what Remus was saying.
He woke up again in a hospital, not the hospital wing. A actual hospital
"Remus- where are we"
"A muggle hospital. You needed a feeding tube, can't do them at hogwarts. I'm sorry I didn't notice."
"A feeding tube? No no no- I don't need it remus I have it under control"
"No Sirius you don't. Sirius I love you so much but you need this. I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise, I'll be here when you need someone to make sure you don't spend a little too long in the shower. It's a process of recovery and I know that but Sirius- it's necessary- you're killing yourself."
Sirius didn't respond.
"I don't need to recover."
"You're on meds for anxiety. Sirius it got out of hand- I don't give a shit if it was under control- if maybe it was just cutting down on the bread or if it was just skipping lunch. It's not that anymore. Your body is shutting down."
Sirius started to cry, Remus crawled into bed with him let him cry- somtimes it's okay to cry, to let it out.
"I'm sorry Remus. I really thought I had it until control- I didn't start making myself throw up until a few weeks ago- it was just skipping lunch or dinner- maybe giving Pete my chocolate, then it was nothing- there was nothing coming up-and it was just acid and it would burn my lips but then the water- oh god the water it felt so good so accomplishing- I was in control- until I wasn't."
Remus was holding Sirius now. "I know baby. I'm so sorry. You're gonna be okay now."

After a few days Sirius was discharged, he was given instructions for his meds and how to treat anxiety. He had to be supervised at all times, it was mostly going to be Remus. Maybe James.
After a few months he was off watch and Remus was out. He came back to Sirius laying on the couch with a cigarette and beer- and a bottle of pills.
"Shit,Sirius what are you on."
"Motion sickness pills. Gets you high"
Sirius stood up and swayed on his feet, Remus went to the kitchen and got a glass of water telling Sirius to drink
"You're insane."
Sirius thought for a second "I thought you'd get it. The pills, the cigarettes, the beer. Oh but atleast I'm eating- atleast I have my eating disorder under control. Atleast you can't see my ribs right? What about the anxiety. You've completely forgotten."
Remus sighed and gave Sirius the water stubbing out Sirius cigarette and laying him down
"Who picks up your pills? Every month on the 9th. I go to muggle pharmacy and pick them up. Who reminds you every day? Sirius I know it's coming back, it's part of recovery, the highs and the lows. I new this was going to happen. I know this stuff. But I'm there aren't i, I told you I would be here. I don't mention it, it makes it all worse. So I don't. But I've been doing the little things that I know makes you anxious. I've shut all the windows, made sure the taps are all the way off."
Sirius didn't say anything just cried.
"I'm sorry."
But Remus new he was, he new he was sorry. He new how to cope with anxiety. He new he was going to get better.