Never Let Go

Chapter 5: Rainbows And Leprechauns

It's raining today. I like rainy days and overcast weather. This kind of weather can make people feel depressed, but weirdly it does the opposite for me. It makes me feel better.

The sound of rain hits against the building and windows. I love that sound. I wish I could run outside and feel the rain on my skin, but I can't. I'm stuck in here.

The trees blow against the wind, and there's a small clap of thunder in the distance. Flocks of birds fly across the grey sky, searching for shelter.

"Maya."

I hear my name and take my attention away from the window. Everyone's eyes are on me...

"Would you like to add anything to the group discussion about anxiety? Any stories of yours you'd like to share?"

"No." I shake my head and stare outside the window again.

The social worker moves on to the next patient and they begin to speak of their experiences, but I pay no attention.

I don't like group therapy. I have enough of my own problems to deal with, let alone hearing other people's problems. Enough strangers already know too much about me and my issues. It's not stuff I like to talk openly about. It was hard enough talking about my past to Dr. Kay yesterday, and that wasn't even the half of it.

Group therapy finally comes to an end, and people make their way to the common room, but I go back to my room. I just want to be left alone today. I walk through the building feeling like a zombie, with the nurse walking next to me.

I'm back between these 4 white walls again. I lay on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. The nurse takes her usual spot by the door, with a gossip magazine in her hand.

I think about the psychiatrist session yesterday, which begins to make me upset. I try so hard every day to block the bad things out, but yesterday I had to bring them forward, and I'm not used to doing that. I never do that because it hurts too much. People say that talking about your problems helps, but I'm not sure it does. Maybe it will in time...

Tears roll down my face, and I turn on my side, crying quietly.

I stay in my room until it's time for lunch. Ugh. Ham sandwiches, again. I hate ham. I leave the sandwich and eat an apple instead.

"I feel so fat after eating that sandwich." I hear one of the patients moan.

I turn my head to look at her, and see she's talking to another patient.

"Yeah, I wonder how many calories was in that." The other patient frowns.

Both of them look anorexic. They look so gaunt and skinny. I look down as I finish my cup of water.

Lunch time is over, and now I just want to go back to my room, but the nurse forces me into the common room to do at least one thing productive today. I'm not sure colouring in some pictures is productive, but ok. I guess I'll just sit and stare out the window.

I look around for some where to sit on my own. Of course Mr. Eyes Like A Hawk is watching me. I actually feel a bit embarrassed because of the private stuff he heard me say yesterday...

I keep my head down and sit by the window. On the opposite side to me is an old lady who just sits and stares into space all day. I wonder what happened to her. I don't think I've seen her speak, but then again, I don't speak much either.

I look out the window, and see that unfortunately, the rain has stopped, and the sun is now shining.

Suddenly the TV starts blaring, which makes me jump. I sigh heavily and look at the girl who's controlling the TV. She really fucking annoys me. Whenever we're allowed in the common room, she sits in front of the TV, turns it up to the highest volume, and constantly flicks through the channels. Why the hell does she do that?