Over the last couple of weeks I've had time to think about what happened between Maya and myself, and how I feel about Beth. Maya and I have continued on as normal since I stupidly tried it on with her, and it's as if it didn't happen. In a way, I'm glad about that because I don't want things to be awkward between us because she really is a good friend and I wouldn't want to lose her... even if it means staying friends. I'm happy with that, as long as she's happy. That's all I care about.
I'm not going to lie, though, I did feel a bit disappointed and disheartened when Maya didn't want to kiss me, who wouldn't feel that way? But, I respect her decision completely. It really wasn't right of me to do that because she has a boyfriend and I'm dating Beth, and I know what it feels like to be cheated on. I just wasn't thinking... I let my feelings and emotions take over, when I should've been respectful. I was so disappointed in myself for getting carried away like that, but I'm glad Maya was ok about it because the last thing I want to do is hurt her, or make her feel uncomfortable in any way because I care about her so much. I'm just glad we're ok and we can carry on as friends.
Although, a part of me thinks Maya was holding back. I don't know? Maybe I want to believe that she wanted to kiss me because rejection isn't the best feeling. I just felt like she was unsure of what to do, but, that's my fault because I put her in that position.
I remember everything she used to say to me when she was in the mental health facility, about not feeling worthy of someone nice. I think she still believes that she deserves karma and she still feels like she doesn't deserve to be happy after what happened to her brother because she has so much guilt, and if I'm right, then I completely understand her. She still needs to love and accept herself and that can be so hard to do, especially after everything she's been through - her twin brother dying, her parents abandoning and blaming her for Michael's death, her Uncle raping her, and getting involved with drugs and bad people...
Regardless of what happens between us, I just want to be there for her. I want her to know that she never has to be alone, and that I'll always be her friend, no matter what.
As for Beth, I really need to talk to her. I can't continue dating her when I tried to kiss Maya. I just don't feel romantically attracted to her. I can't lead Beth on like that because it's not fair and I don't want to hurt her. She's a really nice girl, but I'm just not into her like that. I feel bad about it, but it's the right thing to do.
After eating some cereal, I finish my coffee and head off for work. I've arranged to see Beth later and I'm really not looking forward to it. I know I'm going to upset her because I know how much she likes me, I just hope we can stay friends.
MAYA'S POV
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I wipe the steam from the bathroom mirror and stare at my reflection. I push my wet curls back from my face and take a deep breath before opening the cupboard. I look at the bottles of medication and take another deep breath. Another day, another pill.
