Magnetism

9 - okay

I lay there in her arms for a while. Tears came and went but she never did. Ivy stayed holding me whispering words of praise, encouragement and comfort every now and then.

"Shhh you're okay" she hushed as I let out the last of my sobs.

My body relaxed as she spoke and I felt my heart beat becoming normal again. I was in fact okay, I wasn't good but okay seemed like enough for just a bit. I let myself lie there for a while, I let myself be there in the moment with Ivy.

After a while I shifted in her arms and, seemingly getting the message, Ivy slowly began to sit up. Her fair flopped to the right side of her face where she had been lying and as I looked to her I saw nothing but beauty. Her eye brow lifted as if to ask me to tell her what I needed.

"I umm..." came a murmur from the back of my throat

"Broooke?"

"Sorry, do you mind if I have a shower?" I paused "I know that seems really odd and just unusual but I just"

What do I feel? The question was strange. I felt something so strongly and yet I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It was no longer fear. It was strong though- whatever is was

"You don't have to explain." Ivy smiled, "let me just grab you towel"

As she walked out the room I allowed my head to fall into my hands. My focus moved onto the light outside the window, which was quickly dimming, and I thought of the days to come. They would, without a doubt, be long and tiresome. My thoughts then wandered to what it would be like returning on Monday, to see everyone's faces especially those who had seen.

I wanted to scream, the fact I couldn't get out of my own head tortured me the most. It was if I was drowning, I was submerged in my own thoughts...the one thing no one can hide from. Looking at me you wouldn't have been able to tell, I suppose it was a gift really, I was skilled at hiding what a felt to the point where it was second nature. That day was the only time I hadn't been in full control and I remember making a special effort to cover everything up from that point:

So as I stared out that window once again I took my head out of my hands and looked up. The glass reflected the image of Ivy, standing in the door frame. From what I could see she was just leaning on the door frame watching  me.

Slowly I turned around, looking back at her. As she began to take steps towards me I instantly stood up. In her arms were 3 grey fluffy towels and what looked like a flannel. Embarrassment took over and I looked down as she placed them in my arms.

Ivy took my hand and walked me into the bathroom, a mutual smile on her face. Once again her hand was under my chin indicating I should look up. I did. There was a warmth across her face a kindness that held such comfort and understanding.

"I'll be in the living room okay?" she waited for me to nod and then quietly left the room.

And it was silent.

For a few minutes I stared at myself in the mirror, I was staring back but at the same time it wasn't me. My blonde hair was messy and knotted, my skin had only patches of foundation but my eyes they were the worst. Surrounding my dim green pupils was smudged black streaks, it was dramatic and I looked dangerous, but to who?

The shower was inviting, steam rose to the glass shower doors moving upwards until there were no longer transparent. Stepping in I let the heat consume me and absorb into my skin. The water kept falling and I looked up lettering it roll down my face. I had never appreciated getting clean more then I did then.

I thought back to him, back to Toby. His brother? For a fleeting second I didn't think there was any possible way I could know his brother then it hit me.

Water kept falling, my mind kept whirring and bam. Him. In maths I used to sit next to this amazingly cute guy, he was so smart and well mannered. I had really got to know him over a couple of months and had even texted back and forth with him. Our friendship was strange yet fun, maths became entertaining. Then he asked me on date. I can't even remember why I said no but it came out of my mouth almost instantly. A darkness danced over his face, his eyebrows screwed and his jaw instantly tightened. That was the look I recognised. Toby and Ben Harris.

Fuckkkk.

The realisation caused me to start stumbling out of the shower grabbing two of the towels Ivy had given me and then stepping into her bedroom. Cold hit me like a bus and I tugged them around me shivering in the air.

I looked around the room and noticed how Ivy had pulled the blinds at the massive window dimming the room slightly. There was also a stack of clothes on the bed: a sweatshirt, leggings, socks and black underwear. Knowing that Ivy had thought of my and taken care to get these out made me smile. I think that's what distracted me from the overwhelming sensation I had been feeling.

Not wanting to be alone I quickly slid of my towel trying myself and scrunching my hair. I pulled the navy sweatshirt over myself noticing how it went past my butt. Through the walls I heard Ivy boiling the kettle and immediately hurried to slide on my leggings and socks. I allowed myself to look back in the mirror noticing how much more put together I looked. My makeup was completely gone and not smudged on my face, my hair was conditioned and tamed. Looking on Ivy's wooden dressing table I saw an old worn out scrunchie and added to my wrist deciding it was better to ask them to do just do. One last look at my vivid eyes, the dullness had receded and they were back to their usual green colour.

I crept out of the room trying to be quiet and not disturb Ivy. It was a short Galway probably about 2 metres; as I peeped around the corner to see the open plan kitchen and dining room I saw Ivy hunched over her kitchen island with her head in her arms. More then anything I wanted to run over and ask what was wrong but I didn't want the answer, scared of what it was. It was unusual seeing her like this, Ivy was so composed and this was honestly the first sign of any sort of weakness that I had seen.

Deciding to make myself more heard, I took a couple of steps backwards and loudly asked,

"Ivy are you okay if I used this scrunchie?"

Once I looked back around the counter her head was up, her face had another small smile

"Yeah of course"

I nodded and made my way over to the island. We stood there, opposite each other, our eyes locked and a million things being spoken without us opening our mouths.

"I um... thank you for the clothes"

Ivy replied with a soft, comforting tone, "it's absolutely no problem at all"

"I'll wash them when I get home and you can have them-" she stopped me with a tender arm on my wrist

"Dont overthink small things right now okay" she gave me a look that said 'I'm waiting for a response' so I gave her a small nod "it's about 5:30 does rice sound okay for dinner?"

"Oh it's okay I can just go-" unsurprisingly she cut me off once again.

"Let me be here?" She asked

Tentatively I nodded and took her hand in mine. A reassurance in our hands connected comforted me and allowed me to relax slightly. Ivy pulled out a bar stool and indicated I should sit down and I did. She however ran to the fridge grabbing out: peppers, garlic, chillies and loads more vegetables. I watched as she closed the door and slid down and pulled out peas from the freezer. Her hands danced across the draws until she found the right one and pulled out the item triumphantly. God I hated how much I payed attention to her.

She got out a chopping board and sliced off the stop of an onion. I couldn't help but let out a small laugh as she turned around her eyes red and puffy but a smile spread across her face. Sliding off the seat and walking towards her I reached out and took one of the onions. Ivy gently smacked my hand but I flipped her off and started peeling beside her.

"You're a stubborn thing, you know that?" she stated

"Not really" I mutter

"You sure about?"

So I turn, emerald eyes meet glowing bronze pools and I sarcastically tell her "yes definitely"

She laughs, a small calm laugh but a laugh none the left. And I nudge her with my hip, my hands still peeling the damn onion. She pushed back and we are both letting out small laughs.