Magnetism

35 - company

Taking the thoughts in my head and letting go of them was a skill I had yet to aquire. Anxiety latched onto me in ways I didn't think were possible, but then only since knowing ivy had I realised this was anxiety. The feeling of nausea, a tightness in my chest and the utter fear wasn't nerves. I wasn't just a little scared or excited, I wasn't built in a way to handle large crowds or complete lack of structure.

Anxiety manifested itself in me differently, some days it could be as simple as an uneasy feeling walking in the corridor. But then there were days where i came to school and ended up sat in the back of my law class, my leg bouncing up and down uncontrollably.

It had begun when I woke up. Ivy had been gone, an empty bed next to me. The toilet door was open, no Ivy, just the lingering feel of her body warmth.

It continued as Ivy handed me a cup of coffee at her kitchen island. She talked me through the sense of panic I felt, offering to stay home with me but not pushing when I immediately refused.

It steadily increased on the drive to school. Even with Ivy's hand on my thigh, there was no escape. Life had changed, I had changed since I'd last been in there.

It made me want to cry as we slipped into the building. Despite the halls being empty, due to the time, I felt every bit as heavy.

It only stopped when it entirely consumed me, making me shake in the corridor. Ivy's hands came over mine, her soft voice told me to breathe.

So after all that, i wound up post panic attack in the back of my law class. My leg still bounced and my fingers tapped onto each other rhythmically but I sat patiently. Everyone in my class was quiet, faint whispers and pages moving being the only noise. The board contained a set of instructions blaring at me in a navy blue font. I did not want to be there. My teacher sat with his nose in his laptop, not looking up but then again not needing to.

The lesson past both slowly and quickly, the only sign I'd even been there being the small dots from my pen on my notepad. It was only 11 as I left the room, a day full of potential. Ivy was busy, Alex was only in this afternoon and I hadn't got to even looking at Noah's timetable. So I was on my own with time to kill. I found myself wandering off sight.

I kept going even once I got to the coffee shop, further towards the small village. The walk wasn't long, but it was cold. Yet the soothing nature of my feet atop concrete distracted me from the less than perfect weather.

45 minutes later, gravel turned to cobbled tiles and I was met with a line of empty shops. I'm not sure what I expected at 12 on a Thursday afternoon but somehow an empty normality was not it. I glanced around, enjoying the bitter air and sun in my face. Tranquility.

I started wandering, an aimless sort of goal in mind. I'd grown up here, I had been in every shop at least once but there was still curiosity as I clocked small things in each window. I suppose there was also a sense of fulfilment because, yes, I was doing it on my own. Ivy was great, Alex was amazing and Noah was supportive but my sense of independence felt battered. The need to be alone made me itch, and so the simplicity of walking down the collection of shops made me feel more me.

However, as I passed the bakery all my stamina left at once and I was drawn in. Sweet cinnamon greeted me at the door, reminding me of Ivy's breakfast the day before, with the friendly face of a young girl. She watched as I walked in, on her own in the corner anyone would think she was lonely but from the look of her I'd say quite the opposite. I politely responded to the smile playing with my hair slightly as to not look uncomfortable.

"Hi"

The greeting shocked me more then it should have, and I whirled to see a middle aged woman on the other side of the counter.