Magnetism

2 - Ivy's

Whenever I was with Ivy I questioned everything. All the attraction I had had on boys, all the images of the wedding to my husband and family I wanted would disappear the moment that I set my eyes on her. It was confusing and overwhelming at times but still, I couldn't even imagine wanting anything but her. And still I felt normal. Despite all us experiences I'd known to be completely different there was nothing abnormal about it. Actually I felt more normal than I had for a long time before that.

Ivy answered a lot more of my questions then caused. Except one. What did it make me? I could question everything about any guy I'd met, but it didn't mean that it wasn't real. Attraction, how much was real and how much was manufactured to fulfil a stereotype. When I looked at my friends Alex and Noah who had an undeniable attraction to one another, you could see see it in their eyes. There wasn't a moment I would dream of arguing with it, even when they weren't in a couple. I wondered a lot if it was the same way that I looked at Ivy. The quote from Gatsby stuck with me Fitzgerald's words rattling me 'Gatsby looked at Daisy in a way that every young girl wants to be looked at'

I was different before Ivy, before knowing what was true hope and desire of a person was it never gave me the flash of disappointment of what if nothing was to come of it. When Ivy came into my life I changed and I had to accept it. Because it felt like I didn't have a choice. Ivy and her dumb smirk that send goosebumps through me, her laugh that made me feel heard and her eyes. The way Ivy looked at me was unlike anything I'd ever seen, ever experienced. I was seen by Ivy, and I saw her too which just added another level of complication to the idea I had of my future.

Husband, family, career.

Maybe it wasn't all for me.
*
*
After the day we went down to the stream we carried on like before. But there was something that changed, there was a real knowledge in the back of my head that hinted at me that Ivy could be feeling what I was. I often thought about that as I sat with her whilst she ate her lunch in the common room. Mostly we sat next to each other on a smallish sofa, so I could sit crossed legged in the, mostly empty room, and could talk with her. Occasionally my legs would overlap slightly onto her when I tried to move them, her firm hand would lay on my knee and we'd both look to each other; no words just an understanding that I wouldn't move. I never really ate lunch with her, I just sort of watched. She did ask if I wanted to anything and a couple of times I'd steal some grapes or half a biscuit but mostly I shook my head. It wasn't like I was starving or was it that my parents refused to feed me. It was just my thing, I ate later in the day or before I came in. It probably happened around 15, at the end of Year 10 when I joined my group, it started off practically as it made more sense but then it turned into a habit. However it made more sense then, by that time I had started to get Seb and Ella ready in the mornings which meant they were always rushed . My youngest sibling was barely one at that point, both my parents were working and Seb was as independent as a 5 year old can be and Ella was almost as needy as Jack. We were younger and before long it became a habit, and habits are hard things to break

There was one day that Ivy was talking about her family at lunch and I couldn't help but realise how similar yet utterly different we were. She was alone, isolated, living in an annex in her parents property. I yet I felt I was also completely alone in a house full of 5 people.

She told me about her family dinners, her cynical view clearly shown,"They parade around for at least two hours, all of them hating each other but pretending that they all care enough"

"At least they pretend"

"To an extent but then they all gossip about each other in a way that always gets back to the other one"

I looked up at her, irritated at how much she didn't appreciate her privilege, "it could be worse"

"Of course there is. I'm not" she took a breathe "I'm not saying that my life is the worst I'm just complaining about the way people act"