Magnetism

24 - dinner?

It's funny to think about the person I was then with ivy. How young and unexperienced I was at everything. The way I thought from the way I acted was changing slowly day by day, and I wish sometimes I could go back and relive it all again.

The next couple of weeks was an intense bliss. December had Christmas chaos etched into every action whilst school had my 3 Alevels hovering over my head 24/7. Though in the middle of all that I found the time for ivy, my friends and siblings; making me the worlds best multitasker. Regardless, I still spent my days in near enough the same routine attempting to hold onto sanity.

I don't think there was a single patch of all the fields that wasn't covered in a glorious blanket of frost. The bitter weather was making life harder, but also much more beautiful. It was incredible to see it, even in the cold, every morning the fresh layer of ice gave me a sort of fresh hope.

The hope could have been described and transpired in different things, my studies but more often then that my own personal thoughts. Spending time in my own head was and has always been a speciality of mine. However the topic of my thoughts was nearly always ivy and what she meant. I put labels on my feels to her and labels on everything else. Lesbian I was not. I tried out pansexual, confiding it in no one else but myself. But it wasn't right, it didn't fit me. Then bisexual. The differences between the two, on every sight I looked at, were very few and far between but one felt better then the other. I was attracted to both sexes, all genders were appealing.

And bisexual felt right.

After my last exam of the year, it was deep into December, the 19th to be the most specific. Ivy and I had taken a moment to appreciate each other in a way we so often did.

Making out.

We were in Ivy's annex, on her bed. Both of us were lying on our sides, our lips in sync our thoughts alined. Ivy was leading our actions slowly controlling the kiss.

Eventually, we pulled away and just lay there. It was as if the whole world had gone away and it was just her and I alone laying in her bedroom.

"I got you something" I said to break the silence

Ivy turned her head "yeah?"

"Yeah hang on I'll go get it"

I stood up from the bed and made my way through the annex. It was dark out, as it often was in at 8oclock in winter, but it meant I was more than likely invited to spend the night with ivy. My bag was on the sofa and I collected it but before I headed the other way my eye caught something. The window wall faced the main house and unlike usual it wasn't all blackened. Windows streaming full of light met my eyes in the dusky darkness.

"What are you doing?" Ivy asked

She had walked into the room, apparently bored from waiting for me.

"Sorry I got distracted" I mumbled turning around and facing away from the window

"No no. Don't apologise. However I will" as she said that her eyes were focused behind me

Then I heard it, the door opening again.
*
*
"So it's just dinner?" I clarified

"There is no just about it" ivy scowled back

I could not understand her. She was the most calm pulled together person I had ever met, she was calculated and thought-out but, more then anything adaptable. However, in that moment she was a mumbling mess of overthinking and apologies.

Ivy was pacing her bedroom, while I sat on the bed. What should I say? I remember the utter confusion and lack of skills to equip me for that situation. But I knew I had to do something.