Magnetism

11 - home

When I left Ivy late on Saturday, the jolt of reality was like an electric shock. As soon as I closed the front door behind me it happened, the crippling feeling spreading from my chest to my limbs to the very ends of my fingers. I wanted to crumple and cry except this time there really were no tears left. Instead my eyes scanned the room searching for a sibling to distract me for a little while.

Jack was at the small coffee table colouring a gridded piece of paper with some waxy crayons. I sat down next to him and attempted to grasp his attention from the extremely amusing piece of paper.

"My teacher told us we are doing art for a whole term!" Jack squealed not removing the green crayon from his fist.

"Wow" I smiled "so you're practising?" I ask led moving his dirty blonde mop of hair out of his eye.

"Exactly" his reply had a tone of triumph, like he knew that I understood how his mind was working.

I wanted nothing more for someone to understand my mind, to be delusional and think that someone could understand how I felt and tell me how I felt. Angry? Sad? I wasn't quite sure.

Blinking I turned to Jack and his drawing. A green blob with orange and blue accessories consumed the page. It felt strange, the normal air in the house because I wasn't normal anymore, I didn't feel and I didn't want to be it either. There was so much changing and so much had happened to me that if I had felt normal or anything close to, it would have been more disturbing. But it was like I didn't fit in, like I was an out of place object that just wouldn't fit inside the suitcase.

"Let me know if you need anything" I told Jack as I gave his hair one last ruffle

Noises from upstairs provided another distraction for me to follow and soon enough I was on the landing. Sebastian was yet again reading in his concealed corner but it was Ella that I could hear. Giggles and squeals came from her room, as I peeped around her bedroom door I noticed Ella and her 3 teddies in a sort of square with her, a large pink plastic tea pot in the middle of them. Her chubby face had a broad smile that made me want to scream. This time I didn't saying anything to her I just walked across the hall towards my parents room.

My mum was the parent home today and in between the kids meals I hoped that she was asleep. I put my head around the battered door and saw her in fact awake and on her phone. The sound must of alerted her to my presence because she looked up from the glowing screen and smiled at me

"Well goooooood" she looked at the time "late afternoon"

"Hi mum" I said

"Where have you beeen?" mum asked not even a hint of annoyance in her voice just a sort of amused curiosity.

"Sleepover" I replied

Her bright green eyes widened and she pressed on "With a boyyyy?"

"Definitely not" I said with a fake laugh. Mum didn't notice though and I didn't blame her; she was exhausted and I was, still am, an excellent liar

"Sorry mum I'm actually not feeling great" the words rolled out of my mouth so naturally. Technically wasn't a complete lie but still, not entirely the truth.

Mums face changed, her brown eyes soften and her face became more  relaxed, she ran her fingers through her hair getting it out of her eyes. She had started mothering, "do you think it's flu or something serious?"

There was a hint of anxiety in her voice that I knew she was trying to cover it up but it was unmistakable.

"I doubt it's even the flu really just a cold" I replied letting my face contort into a convincing smile

"Well alright then" relief had flooded her face, she knew she could now sleep.

"Go on. I'll watch the kids" and with that I left her room.

Slipping into my own room I crawled under my duvet and curled into a ball. My small room kept everything close and warm, I focused my eyes onto the chipping blue paint on the wall. A strange numbness had come over me and as much as I wanted to be strong and ignore it, continuing wasn't an option for me. I knew I wasn't going to sleep and I kept my door open and so I could stay here for just a little while with my misery

The weekend past mostly like this. I fed the kids and got them to bed with the help of Sebastian yet again and then went back into my room. Sleep didn't come to me, well if did but only for an couple of hours. On Saturday night I woke up sweating, tears were streaming down my face and my cloths stuck to me like damp paper. So I got up at 4 am on Sunday morning and started my day. Sunday passed much the same except my small crappy phone buzzed at sound 9pm. Peering down at the screen I saw it was Ivy.

Ivy: picking you up for school tomorrow

Hastily I typed back a quick 'it's okay you don't need to do that'
Less then a minute later came her reply of 'idc I'll be there at 8'
I rolled my eyes at her, she was less stubborn then me but I knew she wouldn't be convinced otherwise this time
'Ok' I replied and that was that

Monday morning introduced a new type of hell into my life. I woke up at six thirty and immediately put my clothes for school on the radiator and then tugged on a sweatshirt. The kitchen was cold that morning, bitterly and I swear I saw my breath but it could have been worse. Once the kettle was on and I switched on the heating I felt the warmth radiate through me. The clock said 6:45 which meant 15 minutes to do the kids lunches before I had to get them up and dressed.

I was quick about it, throwing together three sandwiches an apple and a biscuit. Before I had to do what I had to do next. Ella was always the first one I had to wake, she took the longest but her independence meant I could usually come back and do her hair after the boys were down stairs eating some breakfast or another. I took a second though, she was so peaceful and calm and asleep; this only made me think back to my own restless night and so quickly I sat her up rubbing her back to wake her more. She blinked a little then hopped out of bed running to the toilet, that always made me smile. Sebastian came next and he was thankfully so easy to get up and on his way. Looking at the clock I noticed it was 7:15, i was running on time and it was okay.

My clothes were still on the radiator and I tugged them on efficiently and headed straight towards the bathroom. Bumping into Ella on the way I bent down and said
"Do you mind going and getting Dad up so he can take you to school soon"
Ella nodded still too tired to talk, yet able to run into my parents room. Smiling to myself I went into the bathroom bushing my teeth and washing my face before emerging and heading back into the boys room to go and wake Jack. Being the youngest he was by far the most difficult and tired, but if you helped him enough it was quick enough to get him dressed.

I shook him awake gently and waited patiently for him to open his eyes before I started getting him fully ready for school. It was a lengthy process with a lot of whining and even some small tears but by 7:40 he was up, dressed and his hygiene was all sorted. As he toddled down stairs in his primary school inform that matched his siblings adorably, I realised I was yet to do anything with my hair or face really.

Scraping on some moisturiser and attacking my long blonde hair with a hair brush only did so much. Nothing to be done though. A few coats of mascara and some eyebrow gel and my face was...well my face. I grabbed two of Ellas silver butterfly hair slides and placed them on my right side before. Heading back to my room I pulled out the school book I needed from under bed then shoved them in my bag.

Mentally I went over my checklist for the morning and then headed down stairs with the kids. They were with my dad in the kitchen with cereal in their mouths and milk dripping down the their chins. 8.00am. I took the hair brush from side and started running it through Ellas thin hair.

Then was the ring of the doorbell