Magnetism

IVY

Possible TW? homophobia but not really.

Im not built in a way that can love a man.

I am not built to love men. I knew at the age of 10 when my best friend stopped wanting to marry me in the playground and wanted to call the boys over. I knew when I was 13 and had my first kiss. I knew again at 14 when I first kissed a girl.

At first it killed me.

The two were very different, no hazy middle ground. I simply did not like men. The word lesbian had been hovering around for a month or two and as soon as my lips touched hers I knew.

I came out at 15. My parents weren't elated, but whose would be. It took me a while to be happy. The illusion of straightness vanished and I was left with only a label.

We worked through it, then I stopped looking 'straight'. I embraced my masculinity, cutting my hair shorter, getting rid of the dresses I loathed wearing. Another thing crossed off the list.

At each point I had to let go. I let go of the idea of a man looking at me in a way that made others melt. I let go of an easy life based around the patriarchy. I rejected the image of ideal.

It wasn't for me.

People look at me, and they know I'm gay. They see me for my sexuality first. It's an odd fact. For some you can't see the gender they choose to date but for me you can, I am a lesbian and to most people I look like one. I don't need to come out to any random person, they just know.

I look down to Brooke, she was sleeping. It had been a rough night for her. We'd laid in bed for a couple of hours but she grew restless, I suggested a shower but when she turned and politely declined I could tell she didn't want to be alone. Instead we moved to the living room for a while.

All night she just sort of sat, either on the counter of the sofa then again in bed. She was in a sedated daze. I spoke to her consistently and offered her food and drink. Her only responses were nods at the most small phrase replies. I was worried, any one would be.

I move to the right, and pick up my phone from the side. 7:15. Looking down at Brooke I know I can't wake her; it had been 3am before she'd finally gone to sleep. Id had a couple more hours but no more then that. Her grip on me is loose but as I move it feels like a betrayal to leave her.

As I pull on my joggers and a jumper I look at my sleeping girlfriend. The morning light shows the outline of her body, the way she's curled up in ball is nothing short of cute.

I slip out from the annex and walk across the stone slabs to the main house. Mum will be home, she leaves at 7:30 so I should have enough time to catch her before she leave. I know I'm right as I enter the kitchen door and see the yellowy light and my mum sat at the small table in the middle. There's an empty bowl in front of her and a half full coffee cup, i know my parents so well.

"Ivy"

Her skeptical eyes glance at me, the way she looks up and down sort of look as if she's inspecting me

I grunt a good morning then sit down at the table with her.

She looks like she wants to say something; she always wants to say something it's my mum.

"Brooke is in my room"

Mum looks confused, of course she does. Explaining isn't something I'm good at and all I said was one bloody sentence.

"Ivy she stays round at least once a week" she states
then adds "you've never told me before"

"I know"

"So" mum pries

"She's probably staying a while"

Her attention is then all on me. She's studying me. I can feel it. My mum might not be the best, but I have always been able to count on her for the big things.

"What happened"

Good question Jane. Great question.

"She came out"

"Oh" her voice wavers

She's probably replaying the moment I came out. The day, the moments before i said it and after.

"Is she okay?" Mum asks

I shake my head

"I need to be there when she wakes up"

Mum says nothing as I get up. Her face does a small smile, not real not fake just there. I walk past her and cross the kitchen. I flick my phone on so I can look the time 7:45, mum will be late and I don't want Brooke to wake up alone.

"That would never have been you"

I whip around at her words. She remains sat at the table but she looks straight at me.

"I didn't think this still happened. I thought that was something my generation dealt with not yours"

A notable pitch had invaded her voice. She was trying not to cry. Fuck.

"Don't, mum I have to go"

"I would never have let that happen to you"

I nod, looking up the ceiling and waiting just a moment then walking outside pulling the door closed behind me.

Inside, the annex is warmer which makes me happy. I like the smell of my place I like the way it feels. I lock the door behind me and head back to my bedroom. Brooke is still asleep. She's coiled in my sweatshirt with her face pressed into the pillow. I pull off my jumper slip under the covers and wait for her to wake up.