Magnetism

31 - out

TW: homophobia

Coming out. A simple phrase. When I was younger Noah used to come my door and beg me to come out with him. As four year olds that meant coming of the house. When I went to school and met Alex I sat in the classroom one day; everyone was outside and I was sat in the book corner. "Are you not coming out?" She'd asked so matter of fact my. Coming out meant I had a friend. After picking Ella and Seb up from a day at school they'd come home and complain about being bored; at 15 I was unsure what else to do with them we played a lot of games. Hide and seek was one of our favourite. Around the house I remember saying 'come out come out where ever you are' and hearing the small giggles. Coming out meant showing where you had been hiding.

At 17, I finally discovered I had been hiding. In fact it had become an undeniable truth to me. Coming out referred to 'coming out the closet'. Maybe it was a bit like hide and seek, hiding my sexuality until I was ready for people to see it. That's how I saw it.

Being with Ivy, I didn't want that. I made no attempt to conceal the fact I liked her. But I didn't tell people what it was either. For New Years the group was just left to assume. My parents just new I stayed at her house. Noah and Alex were the only people who knew what me and Ivy were and I wasn't even totally sure I had told them what my sexuality was.

But coming out, the prospect was intimidating.
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*

"Just support me" I stated

Ivy shook her head at me and brought her hand to run through her hair. Her jaw tightened as her eyes squeezed shut.

As she opened them, she looked me in the eyes with a softness in them that I could never possess

"I do support you"

I turned away from her, I was fighting. I was fighting something not to be fought.

"Then don't question this"

"Okay" she replied.

For a minute we must have stood there, in the school common room, with no one around. I stood facing the window. Vaguely, I could see her reflection. Her stance began to be less guarded and hands ran through her hair once more. She shifted to the right, but before she left our eyes locked in the window.

As she walked away our hands touched lightly. Like we were touching yet we weren't.

I left once I was sure she was gone, packing up my stuff and headed through the halls of the school. Most students were in lessons, Ivy and I had both had frees but evidently we weren't spending them together.

*
I'd walked into the common room to find ivy sat in the crappy armchair focused on a text book in her lap. She looked up at the sound of the door and gestured for me come join her. With a teasing smile I collected the book from her lap and pushed it to the side. Before I could even try and sit, ivy wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me down. The action resulted in muffled shocked down blurting out of my mouth. I cuddled into her and sat there as her hands ran through my hair. It was quiet, it was nice. The room wasn't empty maybe 4 or 5 other students sat on the sofas at the back working in almost silence.

"Are you done for the day" she asked me quietly

Nodding I replied with "yeah"

We sat a bit longer the silence between us growing and contracting; conversation came and went a natural rhythm we'd gotten used to. After a while three girls walked past us and left through the old wooden door.

As they left, a thought popped into my head "what do you think they think of this?"

Ivy gave me a puzzled look as the two remaining students left the room.