Magnetism

36 - she was always there

Decisions, outcomes, mistakes. These are three things that everyone is faced with everyday. I have always believed that these are the things that show the sort of person you are: to go left instead of right everyday just through habit, to tell the truth because you can't live with the guilt of lying and above all to live according to what your heart wants. There is nothing as unique as a person and their decisions only reflect this.

I made countless decisions when I first met Ivy. The first being to let myself like her which felt both complicated and simplistic at the same time. So with my head a jumble of confusion and want I let my soul guide me. After that, everything else fell into place - telling Alex and Noah I was gay and introducing them to ivy. Becoming Ivy's girlfriend only came naturally after that even if the days did involve,what I now refer to as, a minor tantrum.

But then I came out to my mum.

I'm not sure what would have happened if I'd done it differently. Looking back, it could have gone different but then again it could have been the same. The thought comes to me sometimes, it lies at the back of my mind when I can't sleep: what would have happened if... But I will never know; that knowledge isn't mine to have and I'm not entirely sure if my mum even knows. All we can do is speculate. Speculation leads to bad decisions.
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"Mum"

She was stood on the other side of the bridge, a small  shoulder bag zip between her fingers. The women I knew as my mother, the woman I owed my existence to, didn't move her feet - in fact the only movement she did were her fingers rolling the zip between them. Was that surprising? I guess so. I don't know what I expected, I think i assumed she'd turn her back on my once again.

Like the way she just kept washing that fucking jumper.

"Can't even talk to me now?" I asked

And I felt the rage. The anger. My mother, the person who was always there despite having to
work ridiculous hour and look after 3 other kids, did not look like she was suffering. She looked normal, her tight jeans looked the same, her long raincoat was the same and her eyes hadn't changed. But they couldn't meet mine.

So I took a step, the pressure of being close to her was overpowering and yet I wanted more.

"Brooke" one word. My name. But it felt wrong coming out of her mouth, like it didn't belong there.

"Yeah"

And then nothing, an emptiness surrounding the two of us. This wasn't my mother who raised me, this was a stranger in front of me - a woman who was compelled in two directions, her morals and her daughter. The thing I couldn't understand was why wasn't she choosing me. After everything I had done for her, I looked after my siblings and cooked while keeping the house clean. Was she ignorant to that? Or did she not care?

I wanted to scream "I'm done"

That was when she started paying attention. Immediately, her eyes focused on mine with a challenging glare. "You're done?" 

"I'm done"

It was her turn to take a step.

"You don't get to be done with your family"

"And you don't want me. I'm family"

Then nothing again. Heat in her eyes get no sound from her mouth, she didn't know what to say. It stung that she didn't argue because truly that is what I wanted.

"I need time"

"And I need you" I yelled "but both of us don't get what we want"

"This is difficult and you know that"

"Im gay and it's 2022"

She didn't say anything after that. Frozen as if moving any closer would result in... contagion?