Magnetism

48 - at my door

The moment before a kiss is a delicate thing. It's the second of nervous anticipation as the other person is an inch away from you and you have only one thing between you and them - hesitation. There's not enough time to think, to consider all your options it is simply do or not, and then you have to live with that for all the moments after. Closeness, human contact and overwhelming attraction pay the biggest part in it, to give in to what a person wants. It's the strongest before you kiss someone new, undiscovered territory, but it never goes away. The feeling is the same from your first kiss until your last.

I think it's the pull, it's what brings two people together. Attraction is underestimated, the thing that pulls people together in numerous different ways and produces feelings that would go unfelt otherwise. Like just before a kiss. When you shut your eyes and for just a second you loose your breath. If I could bottle the feeling I would, to be used sparingly. The reality of it is terrifyingly exciting, because no it isn't huge thing but in the moment, as you get closer and closer it's the biggest thing around. It is the only thing on your mind. The fact we are going to kiss but what comes after that, neither is entirely sure.

To me, Ivy was that sensation. The very feeling that blurred the world around you and brought you to that one decision was her. Sometimes that scared me, but we were drawn in tighter in a way that neither of us could help. It was strong and electric in its force.
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I flicked over the page on Gatsby and began to annotate further. Through the paper, I could see light green marketings from where my pastel green highlighter had bled through leaving a lingering colour. But, for once, the lines were straight and no smudges existed; the order of my work and notes were logical, unlike many of the chapters before hand. Gently, I peeled back the pages - only one left until the end of the chapter. It was one of those rare mornings where time was all mine, there was no distraction. I had the house to myself and there was so much peace it was utterly boring. Usually, I would have been eager to do as much work as I possibly good which often resulted in me hurriedly writing scribbles as a pretence for the neat and organised notes that I should have had. Instead, I was left with a lack of stimulation; words of Fitzgerald being the only thing my mind could be occupied with which only resulted in more boredom.

When, finally, I reached the end of chapter 7, I couldn't help but give an internal sigh. I was sat at my dining room table, the book shut in-front of me with my feet brushing backwards and forwards making the hardwood floor create the only noise in the empty house. It was strange,whenever I was home alone, as it was wrong in some way because Ella, Jack and Seb always kept it so alive, chaos a simple byproduct of their existence at home. It was a luxury for the space to achieve that level of quiet.

I got up from my seat, fed up and crossed the room to the boundary of the kitchen. Stepping through, to the stone floor, I felt the cold on my feet making me realise that it, possibly, wasn't the smartest idea to roam the house in nothing but pink flannel shorts and a oversized black hoodie. However, I still walked through and hurriedly flicked the kettle on and took a large mug from the cupboard. Usually, I would have reached for coffee, possibly even indulging in Ivy's little coffee kit she had gotten me for Christmas, but instead I opted for tea. From the window I could see the water boiling in the kettle, the way the steam touched the cold glass as it condensed, creating small droplets that raced each other to the very bottom. The particles had changed, evolved, been pushed further apart then rapidly come closer once again. When the kettle flicked off, I filled my mug with the boiling water and just watched, it was therapeutic to me as I watched the  tea soak into the water, how it slowly crept in and then when you turn back around it had taken over all of the contents. I added two spoons of sugar and milk to the steaming tea and felt the heat warm my face with a rush of homely familiarity.

I slipped myself onto the counter, finally bringing my feet off of the cold floor and tucking my knees up into my chest. It felt hypocritical to be up there, I remember thinking of how I always used to tell Ella to get down and how I only sat Jack up there because he was too small to reach. But there was no one there to remind me of that or to judge and criticise me in any way. For once, a brief rare morning, I had just myself so all I had to do was enjoy it. And that's what I did. I sat on the kitchen side and sipped my tea, enjoying every moment of the sweet liquid.