[Completed]
"It started out not too badly. I thought that I could be a bit more confident if I lost a few pounds, but that soon spiralled out of control. I forgot who I was and what I liked to do. I didn't have any energy to pursue anything that I...
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warning: stuff about suicide
There was another sheet given to Jin. Self monitoring sheet, it said at the top.
"I want you to write down exactly what you eat. Don't try and find the caloric value or anything, but just a basic description of the meals you ate," Hyungwon said. "On the back page, I want you to write down what you felt at the end of the day. Were you happy with what you ate, did you struggle with eating that day, was something in your mind that day... that kinda thing."
Jin nodded.
"This will be for the entire week."
"Okay."
Hyungwon smiled at him. "Do you have any questions?"
"How long do I have to do this?" Jin asked.
"For a few weeks. Until you feel a bit more comfortable."
Jin groaned internally, being careful to not show it on his face. He hated writing down things. It felt like homework and that had always been his weak point in school.
"Many people have felt that when they write down their feelings, they become easier to deal with. It's a way of just letting those thoughts out and you don't have to worry about anybody else hearing them or judging them," The doctor said. "I hope that you'll have a similar experience."
"Yeah, me too."
Hyungwon nodded. "Yeah." He paused, staring at his paper for a second. "Have you engaged in any harmful behaviours over this past week?"
"Um... I," Jin mumbled. "Sure, yeah."
Thankfully, he didn't have to elaborate about what he had done. He wasn't asked if he was having any suicidal thoughts. Jin, even after lying to all the others all the time about his eating habits, wasn't the most fond of lying in people's faces. It felt wrong. He could just admit the truth, but then Hyungwon would ask him a bunch of questions and make him explain his feelings, and that was such a pain in the neck. Why bother talking if he could just stay silent?
Jin knew what he was going to do anyway.
------
Again, he asked himself, was this really worth it? Jin had a certain level of hotheadedness when it came to having ideas, but carrying them out was difficult. He was a coward. Always claiming and saying things that weren't true. He told himself that this time it wouldn't turn out that way. He would succeed this time. He had to.
The others were gullible enough to trust him when he told them that he was going to go take a little walk. They weren't even home. Jin figured that if he couldn't jump off the bridge, he could always just come home and hang himself in his closet. It didn't seem too hard. He could get one of his or Yoongi's old belts to do it with... he tried not to imagine their reaction if they saw him.
