[Completed]
"It started out not too badly. I thought that I could be a bit more confident if I lost a few pounds, but that soon spiralled out of control. I forgot who I was and what I liked to do. I didn't have any energy to pursue anything that I...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Only 19 pounds, only 19 pounds, Jin repeated in his head as he swept the kitchen after the tornado known as Namjoon had walked through it. The leader had dropped the salt container and now the little white flecks were all over the place. Jin had volunteered to clean up - after all, moving around more meant burning more calories.
He had made up his mind to eat 1000 calories everyday. That and practicing the dance at every spare opportunity would make him lose weight faster, he hoped.
Doing all those crazy workouts had proven to get him exhausted quickly, so Jin decided to do them more sparingly. He didn't want to spend his whole day working out anymore. He would only work out a bit in the afternoon, and if he went over his calorie limit, he would do some basic pushups.
They had the morning off today. It was the last day they would have some free time before all the fun routines before a performance would start - the soundchecks, the venue rehearsals, etc. Just thinking about it made Jin's heart flip. He was nervous. He didn't know what it was, but he knew he was going to mess up.
Maybe everything would be alright if his thighs just lost more inches. Damn, his whole life might become perfect if he became perfect himself. He had woken up this morning and weighed himself, something he had promised himself not to do anymore, but he had found that it provided some sort of tranquility for him. He liked the feeling of knowing exactly how much he weighed.
The one thing he had to get right today was the practice with Hoseok. If that didn't go right, then he would be screwed.
--------
One bowl of white rice calories, Jin typed.
242 calories.
Jin figured he would only eat two bowls of white rice per day. That would be enough for lunch and dinner; knowing himself, he would also eat a lot more so he didn't want to make it too difficult for himself.
The notes app in his phone already had several entries about calories and dieting, but Jin kept writing more. The more he kept himself educated, the more successful he would be.
He wasn't known for having the highest IQ in the group or... anything to be honest. Jin was known as the narcisstic self-obsessed individual who bragged about his looks all day, something he wasn't too fond of. But, in the beginning, people hadn't paid attention to him at all, so at least he got some attention about something. Maybe now he would get some more attention.
1000 calories, Jin repeated. Wasn't that too much?
800 calories?
Nah, keep it simple. I need to keep myself healthy. But it's fine if I go under a few days. The less I eat, the better.
Jin smiled, his eyes crinkling just the slightest bit. With a sudden burst of inspiration, he pulled himself off his bed to work out. The routine was easy.
His arms burned as he held out a one-minute plank. He always heard to "engage his core", but his non-existent abs hurt so goddamn much if he tried to squeeze them. His body shook violently. At last, Jin heard the timer of his phone go off and collapsed to the floor. Arms still aching, he pushed himself up to start doing his side planks.
Bicycle crunches, normal crunches, mountain climbers, high knees...
Keep going, Jin. One day you'll be perfect. Do it for yourself. Do it so you won't be the pig of the group.
---------
The day had been going so well.
Then the solo dance practice with Hoseok happened.
It was terrible.
Something went wrong with Jin. All of a sudden he couldn't follow any of the moves that Hoseok was teaching him, his beat was off, everything was just wrong.
His mind screamed at him as he struggled, hurling insults and taunts at him. Jin's skin felt overwhelmingly hot - a mixture of rage and shame. He was embarrassed and scared.
The yelling was the worst. They all knew, hell they even made jokes about it, Hoseok yelled a lot during dance practices. They knew he was scary, they knew he only yelled because he wanted everything to be perfect...
But maybe Jin didn't understand that part. He felt every part of the screams that were directed at him. Hoseok stamped his foot, making him flinch. The eldest was terrified. Terrified of someone being unhappy with him. It made him feel like a failure, a rabbit that had fallen too deep into its hole and who would never see the sun again. He was too sensitive. Being that sensitive wasn't necessarily good, every single thing got to him.
He had never forgotten about how the members had looked so disappointed when he failed the dance. Seeing those expressions was so painful for the eldest. The pain was unreal, more brutal than a thousand punches. It was the kind of pain that made Jin want to rip his hair out.
He didn't want to be yelled at. For once in his life, he wanted somebody to give him a hug and tell him he was doing a good job. Jin wanted to feel loved for once.
The day had been going so well. Jin had been under his calorie limit, had worked out and had even practiced his dance and vocals in the morning.
But no matter his efforts, nothing would ever pay off. Every night, he would lay awake, wondering if he really was good enough for this world. Every day, he would make himself empty promises that he would improve, work harder, become a better version of himself. That would never happen.
Too weak. Too weak. Too weak.
There was less than two weeks left until their performance. Jin was scared. He was going to mess up. He knew that. He couldn't even do the dance properly!
A small part of him told him what the answer to all his problems was. Just eat less, it encouraged. You having a bit of an issue with your self confidence? You feel like you're failing? Don't worry, I can help you! Just listen to me. With my help, you will become the best version of Kim Seokjin. Everything will be perfect.
It was that same voice that had been talking to him for so long, but these days, with every mistake he made, the voice got stronger and stronger. It was a parasite feeding on Jin's insecurities.
You'll be skinny, it promised. Your body will be able to move more gracefully, because it will be smaller. Have you seen how good Jimin dances? He's small and graceful. You can be like that too. Your voice will become more flexible and beautiful. Just lose some weight. You can do it Jin. You said 120 pounds, let's do it.
Jin let out a small sob. He hoped Yoongi didn't hear him crying in the middle of the night. He wanted to listen to the voice, after all it was just himself, and he did want to improve. Maybe Hoseok would like him more if he was a better dancer. Maybe the others would appreciate him more also.
Eat as less as you can. Don't eat. If you don't eat, you'll become perfect. Hoseok will like you more. Jungkook will come and hang out with you more if you work harder. He wants a role model as a hyung, not a lazy idiot. Listen to me. I know what I'm doing.
