Slave to the Scale

Chapter 44

warning: mentions of weight and suicide

If Jin had to look at himself in the mirror now, he could still point out all of his flaws. His eye bags were still unappealing, his arms were still too flabby, he still didn't have abs, etc. Jin's eyes too, they seemed devoid of any life. He looked like he had lived seventy lives and was supposed to be long dead by now.

Everything had been piling up for so long. All throughout the past year and a half or so, he had struggled against this. He had been to the hospital more times than all the others years of his life combined. He had hated himself. He had delirious moments when he had loved himself.

Mixed bag, really.

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He stood backwards on the scale as Namjoon checked it. There was a small sigh of relief. Jin shivered. He knew it, he was getting healthy (gaining weight). Ah, he knew he shouldn't have started eating like that again. He should never have followed Hyungwon's silly little diet plan.

Ugh.

But then again, there were benefits to this. He didn't feel quite so lightheaded anymore. He could get up as quickly as he wanted to, run around, breathe, without feeling like he was going to die. He wasn't so cold either.

"Can you tell me what it is?" he asked in a small voice.

"Your weight?" Namjoon asked.

"Yeah."

"You want to know?"

Jin took a deep breath, then nodded. "Yes, I really want to know."

"130."

Jin tried to swallow back the slippery taste of disappointment. It's okay, it's okay to not like something about yourself, it's okay.

"I look fine, don't I?"

"Yeah."

Namjoon put his hands on his shoulders. Jin carefully stepped off the scale. He was probably never going to hit 105. He shuddered when he thought about how far away his goal was.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, don't worry."

Namjoon shot him a smile. He returned it.

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He was longer underweight.

He was healthy.

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Fuck, I hate myself.

He picked away at his food. The staff lunchroom was stuffy. He constantly felt eyes on him. The staff were so careful. Several of them hugged him when he came into the studio after such a long time. They were all talking about how much they missed him, how they were glad that he was starting to do better, etc, etc.

He meant that much to people? Did his existence, his presence, mean the slightest bit for anyone out there? He was tempted to look at his past and say no.

But he would have to be completely out of his mind to look at all the love he was getting now and say that it wasn't helping him. No, he did feel better looking at it. Was this what he had been living like? Had he been blinded for so long, been cut off from the rest of the world just because he was sick? Had he done this to himself? Or was this fate...? God...? What?

Whatever the case, he kept picking at his food. He felt hot. Reaching up, he undid the top two buttons of his shirt. It did little to cool him down but at least it was easier to breathe.

The others weren't with him at the moment. Hoseok was in the studio, fiddling with a couple new songs, but other than that, everybody was out doing something else. Jungkook had asked if Jin wanted to do something fun, but he had declined. He wanted to go back to the studio and work.