[Completed]
"It started out not too badly. I thought that I could be a bit more confident if I lost a few pounds, but that soon spiralled out of control. I forgot who I was and what I liked to do. I didn't have any energy to pursue anything that I...
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117 lbs
A satisfied groan left Jin's lips as he stepped off the scale. He could feel the gentle euphoria of reaching his goal hit him. Sometimes, he did feel satisfied looking at the mirror. He could see improvement in his waist and hips. That was a start.
He was doing good. He had reached his goal weight of 120. He was doing good. Doing good. The thought planted itself in his mind. The small compliment that his mind gave him lightened his heart just the slightest. He was capable of getting things done.
But his body wasn't good enough just yet, he told himself. His legs were too big, his thighs were too squishy and coated with fat, his arms were too flabby and his face was too bloated. It was good, but it wasn't good enough.
Jin sighed. He thought back to the breakfast he had had earlier, just a slice of plain white bread. Yoongi had tried to make him eat more but Jin had screamed at him and the rapper had stopped.
They were all so careful around him now. Jin knew that the others were thinking of taking him to a therapist. The thought plagued him; he didn't want to go anywhere, he didn't want to have to talk about his insecurities and his non-existent self-esteem.
His fingers reached for the bathroom lights, easily shutting them off. His fingertips were pale gray, the nails accented with a bluish tint. His stomach ached with hunger. A throbbing migraine made itself known behind his eyes. Jin knew that maybe, just maybe, he would get into serious trouble doing this to his body. He remembered the piercing pain of sticking his fingers into his throat and bringing food up. He wouldn't resort to that anymore. He wouldn't purge anymore. He would restrict, and even that, he would do responsibly.
Memories of Yoongi's hurt gaze flooded his brain. The rapper had sheepishly lowered his head, shutting his mouth and went back to the kitchen. The others were silent, unsure of what to say in the awkward atmosphere. Jin's throat had stung, he had felt bad for yelling. But he couldn't stop himself from lashing out - he felt like he was in control when he refused to eat something. Yoongi couldn't understand that. Nobody understood that.
It was time to go to practice.
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Stars appeared in his sight. His hazy mind told him to sit down, but he couldn't. He had to keep dancing, keep going, after all hadn't he signed up to work hard when he became an idol?
He felt so lightheaded. The others were being so careful around him. It wasn't a comforting thing.
"Uhh.... from the beginning, let's go!" the manager said.
Hoseok took his position at the center, checking around to make sure everyone was where they needed to be. Jin appeared to be disoriented and for a few seconds, Hoseok wondered if he was going to pass out.
"Jin hyung?" the dancer asked. "You okay?"
There was a slight pause but soon enough, Jin nodded. Hoseok didn't miss the brief moment of discomfort that the eldest's face showed.
