[Completed]
"It started out not too badly. I thought that I could be a bit more confident if I lost a few pounds, but that soon spiralled out of control. I forgot who I was and what I liked to do. I didn't have any energy to pursue anything that I...
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"One more... one more, just one more to do..." Jin's voice gave out as he pulled himself into a side plank. His arm trembled as he tried desperately to hold himself up. He couldn't do this. He had to stop. He had to drink water. He was going to faint otherwise.
His arm gave out. Jin's head smacked the ground as it did. The cool floor did nothing to stop the sweating all over his body. He felt like he was going to throw up everywhere.
Jin suddenly didn't care about what he looked like. He forgot his temporary struggle with his weight, and for once, visions of eating danced in his mind. Did he really have to lose weight to be perfect? Couldn't he enjoy his life without being assaulted by his mind telling him he had to be perfect? Because, contrary to popular belief, he knew, he knew so damn well that skipping meals was dangerous. He knew that exercising so much was dangerous. He knew everything.
Ever since that day when Yoongi and the others made him eat, these thoughts had entered into his mind.
He wouldn't let it win. By exercising, dieting, starving himself, Jin was letting the voice inside claim victory. He wouldn't let it.
Jin made up his mind that he wasn't going to exercise the way he was anymore. It was too painful and he woke up in the middle of the night many times because his leg had cramped up. This was ridiculous. Why had he ever thought he could keep this up? When the time came, he would diet and work out, but not like this.
He still remembered the number he had seen on the scale this morning. 134 lbs, it had read. That was where he was going to stop, he decided. There was no point in going any further.
Boldly telling himself these words, Jin pushed himself off the floor to go back to the dorms.
He was a new person now.
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The next day certainly was very different for Jin. Often at times, he felt himself questioning whether he really should diet and work out, but other times he reminded himself that he was perfect just the way he was and that he shouldn't be dieting.
Positive self-talk is important.
But what about positive self-talk that one half of your brain forces you to accept while the other half tries to drown you in negative self-talk?
Jin was in the middle of a war. He didn't know what voice he should listen to. He wanted to be healthy, not be able to hear the annoying voices in his head anymore.
Maybe this wasn't healthy.
The others looked pleased to see Jin eating healthily. Yoongi went so far as to say that the "old Jin" had come back, which led Jungkook to say that Jin was already old, and they all laughed. Jin found himself laughing along even though he felt like he was trapped from feeling anything.
He wanted to cry so badly.
He wanted to tell somebody about the war in his head, about how it was tearing it apart, about how just the mere thought of food wanted to make him cry.
