[Completed]
"It started out not too badly. I thought that I could be a bit more confident if I lost a few pounds, but that soon spiralled out of control. I forgot who I was and what I liked to do. I didn't have any energy to pursue anything that I...
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The night before the final rehearsal in the studio, two weeks before the concert itself, was when it hit Jin. He didn't know the dance properly. He was going to make mistakes up there.
The emptiness dug deep into his chest as he tried to sleep. It was past midnight. Why did he procrastinate? He could've practiced the dance, perfected the small center moments that he had, but instead he goofed around and did nothing.
Failure. Should've just starved himself while he still could.
Jin had never felt this amount of panic before. He knew that tomorrow Hoseok was going to yell at him, or worse shake his head and be disappointed. That sinking feeling of failure would clutch the eldest's chest again as he lowered his head as Hoseok said, "it's okay, you and I will stay late tonight to fix this."
Jin didn't know why but now he got scared at the mere thought of someone yelling at him. He was just so terrified of someone being displeased with him.
Sitting up on his bed, he glanced over at Yoongi who was fast asleep. Soft snores left the rapper's mouth and nose as his head rested on his pillow.
Jin wished he was like Yoongi more, hard working, good at dancing, amazing rapper, handsome, thin. He wished for so much. He told himself he was far too lazy to ever get anywhere.
Why didn't I practice? Why didn't I learn the dance? Dhwidhcbdkfehd I hate myself. Why can't I do anything right?!
But most importantly, what am I going to do?
The frustration boiled to a point where Jin reached up and started pulling at his hair. There was so much to do yet he couldn't bring himself to do anything. His brain acted as if getting up and doing something productive was too difficult. Shit, Jin was losing control again. His hands trembled.
Jin got up, making sure to pull the covers over his bed, and walked over to the bathroom. The scale that he had packed away himself was in the cabinet. He had put it away so he wouldn't fixate on his weight so much anymore. But now, Jin needed something to do, and in his desperation he ran to the numbers of the scale.
138 lbs
Gained four pounds.
He felt sick.
His hair felt too sweaty as he pulled it at. His forehead was dripping.
Hoseok was going to yell at him. Hoseok was going to yell at him. Hoseok was going to yell at him. Hoseok... would be mad.
Jin gasped, struggling to see his reflection in the mirror as his eyes lost focus. The dancer's loud voice could be heard whooshing through his ears, the disappointed gaze burning through his skull. The eldest could hear the crackling sound of his own voice apologizing, again and again, for wasting their time, for failing, for being the overgrown weed whose roots had grown far too deep to be pulled out.
