[Completed]
"It started out not too badly. I thought that I could be a bit more confident if I lost a few pounds, but that soon spiralled out of control. I forgot who I was and what I liked to do. I didn't have any energy to pursue anything that I...
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Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts
It was starting again, the dull ache behind his eyes, the heavy feeling in his chest. He felt glazed over and weak. There wasn't anything he could do. He felt like everything was useless. He wouldn't be able to get better, and besides what was the point of even getting better? He was going to die one day anyway, there was no real point in making an effort to get any better.
If this was his way to go, then be it.
It's not like anybody would remember him for a long time anyway. He would eventually fade away too.
Jin was all alone in his hospital room when the thoughts occurred to him. At first they were all really stupid like, "jump out of the window!" (when the window was far too small to fit someone through) or "run to the surgical ward and slit your wrists using a scalpel!" (he didn't even know where the surgical ward was and besides, he would probably collapse after taking three steps out of his room), but then those thoughts grew to be a royal pain in the ass that became more and more real each moment. He couldn't see any point in trying anymore. There was no fucking point.
Taehyung, Jimin, Jungkook and Namjoon came in later in the day again to cheer him up. It still hurt somewhat to talk for Jin, but it was getting easier. He still wanted to know what the hell his weight was, but the hospital staff didn't even mention it.
Oh, and one of the nurses had come in to select a date for his psychiatrist appointment. So annoying. Jin wasn't planning on recovering anyway.
It was quite strange actually that Hoseok and Yoongi hadn't visited him yet, the latter especially. The one time that Jungkook brought up Yoongi's name, Jimin stiffened up and refused to make any comments. So Jin had come up with the conclusion that Yoongi didn't care enough to come and visit him. It was a hard thing to accept, but if that was what Yoongi thought of him, then Jin would have to accept it, even though it was painful.
Yoongi had said that he cared about Jin, that he valued him as an older brother, as a friend, but nope. None of that ever worked out. Yoongi hadn't even come.
There was no point in thinking of that.
Yoongi didn't care. Hoseok didn't care. The others were only here because they had to be. His family hadn't called him. His fans didn't even know what was going on with him. Except for a few "concerned" fans who had noticed his gaunt appearance so many months earlier in that concert, nobody suspected a thing. Bighit hadn't put out a statement, just a simple notice that BTS was on a small break.
Nobody knew. The agency didn't want the fans to know, because it was embarrassing to let them know that Jin, the guy who bragged about his looks, was struggling with an eating disorder. It was going to be hypocrisy. Jin was always telling his fans to accept themselves but he couldn't do it himself.
