Watch my Step (Friend Series #4)

Chapter 28

"Unfair." I spat the word like a venom. I shook my head and put the cigar between my teeth. Pagkatapos humithit sa sigarilyo ay nagpakawala ako ng usok sa ilong. Break time kaya pinili ko ang magpahangin at manigarilyo sa balkonahe ng floor namin kaysa bumaba sa cafeteria't kumain.

If I'm being unfair to him, maybe I was really sent by the demons to mark his life with wrong. I am his wrong.

"Napapadalas na 'yan ah?" si Jairus nang maabutan niya akong naninigarilyo. Katulad ko ay isinandal din ang magkabilang siko sa railing at sandaling pinagmasdan ang kalakhan ng siyudad saka ako nilingon.

"Stress?"

Kunot-noong bumaling ako sa katrabaho. Do I look stress?

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa nakaipit na sigarilyo sa mga daliri.

If this is really stress then, never did I imagine that I'd be stressed because of my problems with him. Sa dami nang naging problema ko ay hindi ako namroblema ng ganito. Ngayon lang.

After the day we went to that institution, he became distant to me. Yeah, we still communicate but I have noticed that he's been restricting himself from talking and sharing his thoughts to me. Unlike before.

Kung noon ay hindi ko na kailangan pa ang magtanong para sabihin niya sa'kin ang mga iniisip niya, ngayon ay kailangan ko nang magtanong para magsalita siya at kadalasan ay "oo" at "hindi" pa ang nakukuhang sagot. Kung gaano ako kairitado sa pagiging madaldal niya noon, ngayon naman ay hinahanap-hanap ko na.

Damn. What's happening to me?

Pagkatapos ng short break namin ay sabay rin kaming bumalik ni Jai sa loob, parehong natigilan nang makita ang mag-amang Almendarez sa floor namin.

Kai was in his unusual three piece suit. Kadalasan ay puting long sleeves at slacks ang suot niya, ngayon ko lang siya nakitang naka coat and tie kaya bahagya akong nanibago sa ayos niya ngayon.

Kaagad na nagtama ang tingin naming dalawa. Huli ko ang pagkunot ng kanyang noo nang bumaling siya sa aking katabi. Ganoon din ang naging reaksyon ko nang mapansin ang pagsulpot ni Gwen sa kanyang tabi.

Holding her black baguette bag in her tight gingham dress is Gwen Mendejar.

Hindi ba't magdodoktor 'to? Hindi ba't busy ang mga nagdodoktor? Ano pa't may panahon siyang dumito?

I saw how his face brightened up the moment he saw her. It's just like in a movie I had seen, surprising his boy and all. They shared a bit of a dialogue na sila rin lang ang nakakarinig sa mumunting bulungan at hagikhikan nila. While Tito Nick was busy talking to his employees, he was just there, flirting under his wife's watch.

I went to my cubicle and dropped my body to my seat. I stared at my dead monitor as I was subsconsciously clicking the computer mouse na kaagad ko ring itinigil nang makuha ko ang atensyon ng mga katabi ko. Hindi ko napansin na lumalalim na pala ang aking paghinga kung hindi ko lang napansin ang repleksyon sa screen.

For a moment, I think of Kai and Gwen. Kung si Gwen ang ipinagkasundo at pinakasalan niya, marahil ay hindi siya nahihirapan ngayon sa pagkakaroon ng pamilya. She wouldn't give him a hard time living his dream for sure. Panigurado, masayang-masaya na siya ngayon sa buhay pamilya niya katulad ng sa kaibigan niya.

I swore when I accidentally cut my finger. Binagsak ko ang kutsilyo at dumiretso sa sink para mahugasan ang sugat. Ilang minuto kong hinayaang bukas ang gripo kahit pa tapos na ako sa paglilinis. Kung gaano kabilis ang lagaslas ng tubig ay ganoon din kabilis akong binalik sa aking wisyo.

I let out a chuckle out of sorts.

"What the fuck are you doing, Estefania?" I mumbled and rested my hands on the edge of the sink. Yumuko ako at nagpakawala ng malalim na hininga.

Since when did you care for him? And what now? Are you trying to impress him? I scowled at myself. E ano naman kung galit siya sa'yo? Kailan ka pa naging concern sa nararamdaman niya?

I put my hands on my waist as I walked back and forth at the kitchen. I didn't know that cooking dinner will become a battle of the heart and mind. And I probably knew which one wins when I saw myself setting the table.

Hindi na ako nagpalit pa ng damit pambahay. I chose to stay on my working clothes. Ayokong magbihis pa ng panibagong damit dahil ayokong bigyan siya ng oportunidad na itaas ang pride niya. The reason why I'm doing this is that I know that I was wronged and I accepted it wholeheartedly. Preparing him dinner is already enough to compensate for my faults... or not.

Nahulog ko ang hawak na tinidor nang marinig ang pagpalatak ng lock ng pinto. I muttered curses when I heard his footsteps. Mabilis kong pinulot ang tinidor at tumakbo sa sink.

I tried to busy myself washing it. Sa napakatahimik na bahay, rinig na rinig ko ang kanyang mga hakbang patungo sa'kin. I could already feel his stares piercing through my back. Isang minuto kong hinayaan at hinintay na siya ang magsalita. When I realized that I was waiting for nothing, I hacked and turned to him.

"Kakain na," simple kong pag-imbita sa kanya, kunwari ay hindi pinag-isipang maigi kung ano ang dapat sabihin. Hinila ko ang upuan para makaupo. Ngunit ang pagtangkang pag-upo ay nabitin nang magsalita na ito.

"I've already eaten."

I was like stupid when I halted from sitting on my chair for three seconds. Immediately, I dropped my body to my chair and shrugged it off like it wasn't a big deal. Unang beses kong magluto ngayon kaya hindi naman talaga big deal. Hindi ko na ito nilingon pa.

Maingay ang ginawa kong paghiwa sa karne na parang napakatigas nito. I was gritting my teeth while cutting my steak into pieces. Buong oras akong humihiwa sa steak ay roon lang ang aking atensyon kaya hindi ko kaagad napansin ang paglapit niya sa mesa at pag-upo sa harapan ko kundi sa ingay na likha ng paghila niya sa upuan.

Umangat ang kilay ko nang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa. "Anong ginagawa mo rito?"

"Ikaw ang nagluto?" pambabalewala niya sa tanong ko. He scrutinized the steak in front of him. Napalunok ako at ang bilis ng tahip ng dibdib ko habang pinagmamasdan siyang sinusuri ito. Admitting that I cooked that piece of shit felt like I am admitting I am wronged and this is my way of apologizing. I chose to ignore his question.

"Akala ko ba nakakain ka na?" I asked instead.

"I wanna taste your steak." ani niya at ekspertong hinati ang steak sa kanyang harapan. I watched him do that and when he finally took his first bite, I was sure that my face looked like I was anticipating for his comment.

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa kanyang leeg nang magtamang muli ang tingin namin. Natigilan ako nang mapansin ang pulang marka sa leeg niya. Nagtagal ang tingin ko roon at sa tingin ko ay napansin niya ang paninitig ko roon kaya pasimple niyang tinakpan iyon ng kanyang kamay na para bang minamasahe ang batok.

My heartbeat quickened. My attention from his comment on my steak went to his hickeys on his neck. My shoulders were moving rapidly from heaving. Marami ang tumatakbo sa isip ko habang tinitingnan ng masama ang kanyang leeg.

Si Gwen at Kai. Bumalik sa isipan ko ang ayos nila sa opisina. Posibleng sila ang magkasama buong araw. Malamang ay siya rin ang kasama niya sa dinner. I tried to backtrack the time he went home. Alas diez na ng gabi siya nakauwi. Hindi ko iyon binigyang pansin dahil nitong mga nakaraang araw ay lagi na lang siyang late umuwi. Simula pa noong bumisita kami sa ampunan.

I lifted my head and met his pretentious eyes. Sinusubukan kong isiksik sa sariling utak na hindi totoo ang lalaking 'to. Pero wala e. Tuwing pinagsususpetsahan ko siya ay parang isang pabangong sumasabog sa paligid ang kanyang katapatan. Was I already hypnotized by him?

Ito ba ang nagagawa niya sa'kin? Ganito na ba kalala ang epekto niya sa'kin?

But no, Step. Suspect him

"You're with Gwen."

Kumunot ang kanyang noo.

"You had your dinner with her."

"Mama invited her. Hindi ko alam na magluluto ka. I'm sorry."

Sorry for? Fucking her?

I dropped my utensils and rested my back onto the backrest of the chair. I tilted my head and grazed the back of my teeth before I turned to him.

"Let's be honest here, Kai." Matapang kong sabi.

Mabilis na kumunot ang kanyang noo sa narinig. I clasped my hands together and stared at him.

"If you're fucking her, fuck her for all I care. Ang akin lang, sabihin mo sa'kin!"

"What are you talking about?!" galit din nitong asik.

"What's your plan?" I calmly asked.

"I don't see your point why you're staying in this fucking marriage. Kung ang plano mo ay gawing miserable ang buhay ko, panalong-panalo ka na, Kai. I accept my defeat. Let's just get annulled and let's get over with it."

Poot at galit ang ipinapahiwatig ng kanyang mga tingin.

"Sigurado ka bang hindi mo alam kung bakit ko pinipiling manatili?"

Hindi ako sumagot at nanatili ang matalim na paninitig sa kaharap. His transparency was very vivid. I could already get what he thinks and decipher what he feels.

"Ilang beses ko nang sinasabi sa'yo na mahal kita–"

"Tss." I crossed my arms and leaned my back onto the back of my chair again.

"You don't really feel anything for me, do you?"

"Ang dali lang sa'yong sabihin na maghiwalay na tayo dahil hindi mo naman ako mahal 'di ba?"

I rolled my eyes when I heard it again.

He kept on telling me that he loves me but the way he acts, it's barely love. If we keep on being like this, we'd end up like my parents. Getting ruled by our own feelings. Getting blinded by love. Those were barely love.

Love should be ruled by its canon. Love should see. If I let my feelings control me, that means I'll hurt him whenever I'm mad just to pacify my feelings? And if I let myself get blinded by love, that means I'll turn blind whenever he is having an affair? Ganoon ba?

"Well, know this. I won't give you the freedom you want. Everyday, I'll choose to stay. I will never stop until you choose to stay with me forever." he ruthlessly said.

Puno ng iritasyon ko siyang tiningnan.

"Why are you doing this?"

"This is me choosing to live–"

"Even if it means dying to me?" I heaved a deep breath, parang kapos na kapos sa hangin.

"Pipiliin mo pa rin ang manatili?" nahihirapan kong ani.

"Do you know why this marriage is failing?"

Habang tumatagal ang usapan ay mas lalo lamang akong kinakapos sa hangin.

"Because we don't truly love each other, Kai."

"Obviously, you never feel happy in this marriage. Me neither. I can't reciprocate your love and I can't give you what you want. I'm not the wife you're looking for."

I stood up, readying myself to leave.

"Huwag na nating hintayin na may magkasala pa sa ating dalawa bago tayo maghiwalay."