Good Intentions

48)Friday Morning-The Drive

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Sang

As the door clicked closed, I let out the breath I was holding with a loud whoosh and dropped my head back onto the headrest. A soft chuckle had me tilting my head slightly to the left  and side eyeing Decan. He just smiled and started the car. No need for a greeting or questions. It was nice. How were we so comfortable together already? I didn't make any sense. But I didn't want to fight it either. We sat in enjoyable silence as Decan got the car moving and left the neighborhood. I had no idea where Lily lived, or what the day would bring, but for the first time in what felt like forever, I wasn't anxious. I wasn't obsessing over what would come, or what had already happened. I was just enjoying the calm of a morning drive, and it felt incredible. After spending so long so tightly wound, it was a physical relief to just sit and soak in the easy quiet. I must have made some noise of approval, because I felt Decan shift his attention to me.

"You look like you are feeling alot better today, little ghost."

His voice was soft, respectful of the calm environment the car had become. He sounded pleased and maybe a bit relieved, as if he'd been expecting differently. I suppose that made sense, after everything that happened yesterday. And I was feeling better. Even though nothing had really changed, in a way everything had. Talking about our problems hadn't solved them. If anything life was probably about to get way more complicated, but it all felt easier somehow. Like getting it all out there had released the pressure.

"I do feel better. I can't really explain why, but I do." He hummed in acknowledgement, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, in thought.

"You were carrying a lot, Sang." He said slowly. "Secrets seem insignificant at first. We think they're intangible, so how could they hurt us? Especially when they are your own secrets that you are choosing to keep." He paused for affect and I was eager to hear the rest of his thoughts. 

"It's easier to stay quiet in the moment, when given the choice between sharing or not. It's easier to just not. But silence can be an oppressive force. Whether it's silence you endure from someone you want to hear, or silence you impose on a willing audience." He looked over at me, seeing me, but also something or someone else.

"It builds and it builds until it becomes uncontainable. It pushes at you, weighs on you, fills your mind and body like air in a balloon." Decan went silent, focusing on the intersection up ahead, leaving me to finish his thought for myself. Until it pops. While he changed lanes and turned left, merging onto the highway, I thought about his words and how much sense they made. That is exactly how I had been feeling. Like I was closer and closer to bursting after every hour that passed. It was clearly a feeling he knew well. I wonder what his reasons for silence were? Without thinking, I share mine.

"You're right," I say, watching the scenery fly by as we drive. "I always thought keeping quiet was the only way to stay safe. But I guess...I guess it's just dangerous in a different way."

I could feel his eyes flicking to me every few seconds, scrutinizing my words. I probably shouldn't have said that. He was smart and observant. I knew he would know there was more to my words then just the past few weeks. Turning my eyes to his, I wondered when I would tell him everything. Would he get it out of me today? Next week? Because it was no longer a question of if, but when. I knew I would tell him everything eventually. What kind of chaos would that bring? Surprisingly, he didn't rush to question me. I could see the curiosity in his eyes when they weren't on the road, but he wasn't going to ask me what I meant. He wasn't going to push, and that made me smile. He smiled back, and the somber feeling that had developed broke.

"So, what did you do for the rest of the night?" He asked. Memories of the night before had me giggling.

"Gabe started a food fight and we destroyed my kitchen." Laughing, I shook my head. "And then he rushed me out before we could clean up. I don't even know if it got cleaned ." Decan scoffed, knowing as well as I did that it definitely had. "I passed out almost immediately after that though. I was so tired." He nodded and eyes me with affection.