Holding On With Maybe (Holding On Series #2)

23

"I was so afraid to lose it since it's the only thing I can hold onto after he left that night."

I thought, facing my parents would be the hardest thing I'll do today, but after saying the things unsaid before, after sharing a hug with them... I found out that leaving them today is the hardest.

But I have to because I have work.

While we were walking out of the house, a part of me was thinking that they'll tell me to come back and live with them again, but I never heard it from them even after I got inside my car, and it's not a bad thing at all.

It just makes me feel that they're not pressuring me to, that they really meant it when they said that they want me to take my own timing.

As I drive through the familiar road, I smiled upon remembering something.

When I was in college, that's when I realized how lucky I am with my parents. They're not pressuring me to reach greater heights. They let me believe that I own a race that I can run at my own pace. They made my eyes open to the fact that no matter where depth I am, they will always be there to clap for me.

Na-realize ko yun dahil sa iba kong blockmates na nafu-frustrate dahil mababa yung nakuha nilang marka. Their reason was they're not in college just to survive but to attain high grades dahil yun ang gusto ng mga magulang nila.

That those high grades meant validation.

I wanted them to understand that it's a wrongful ideology, but then again, I remember Timothy's situation and at that, I somehow knew what they're going through. I don't have to put myself in the same shoes as them to know what it feels like to be pressured. I'm thankful that I haven't experienced that kind of pressure.

Because no one really pressures me, but my own self.

I stopped reminiscing when I discovered that I'm almost at PCU because I saw the coffee shop Bobbie and I used to go to. I decided to pull over to grab an iced coffee, but when I was about to pull open the glass door, I immediately stop when I saw him.

He's in front of a very thick book. His eyes are fixed on whatever his reading on it and his forehead is even slightly creased while his other hand was playing with his pen in circles.

I watched him for minutes before I stepped back and walked away.

I hardly controlled myself to do that because I don't want his eyes to meet mine again, I knew it would sting, and I knew it would toss me back to zero and that I'd come back like a coward again. I'd be afraid and hide again from him.

For years, I've come to my senses that I was not protecting myself back then from heartbreak, that all along, I was just a coward.

Maybe, he doesn't really deserve me that time, because I was driven to satisfy myself by reaching everything I can grasp, that I couldn't risk it all to love or be loved.

I couldn't risk it all for him.

---

The weekend came and our group chat couldn't go silent because my friends were excited to see the location, I woke up as early as I could dahil magluluto pa ako ng adobo. Napagdesisyunan kasi nila na roon na lang mag-almusal.

At sa akin talaga napatoka yung ulam.

Nang matapos ako sa pagluluto, naligo na ako at nagbihis. Nagsuot na lang ako ng maong shorts, pastel blue na oversized t-shirt, at converse shoes. Nakahanda na kagabi pa yung bag na dadalhin ko kaya nang maisilid ko yung adobo na nasa food container na sa isang paper bag, tumungo na ako sa parking lot.