Holding On With Maybe (Holding On Series #2)

00

GRACE ALYSON

"Alyson," he breathed as soon as I opened my door. My lips parted, how did he know that I'm here, in this condo unit? Did he... ask Mama? Or did my parents ask him to go here?

A lot of thought came to my mind but it shortly fades away when I examined Timothy. He looked sleepless, his eyes were staring straight in mine, it felt like it was trying to dig deep in me, uncovering the reason why I'm suddenly here.

His one hand is on his guitar's strap while the other's leaning on the wall. I sighed at the sight of him. I always wonder if he'll ever look like this if he's given the chance to take up what he wants and not forced to chase a path he clearly doesn't want to take.

Will he look differently?

"Pasok ka," I told him. Gusto ko sa kanyang itanong kung paano niya nalaman na nandito ako pero mukha siyang pagod. So, I decided to ask him later on.

I widened up my door and let him in. When he got inside, I silently close the door behind him. I turn around right after and I saw him staring right at me again, and I was shocked when he closes the space between us.

He hugged me, tightly.

"Bakit ka umalis sa bahay niyo?" He asked.

A minute passed when I held his arms around me and slowly loosened its grip on me. I took a step back, but just enough to have the space between us again. I couldn't look at him, so I decided to look down, avoiding his stare that will stop me from lying.

"Why do you even care?" I asked and walk away.

Pumunta ako sa kusina para kumuha ng tubig, his presence here? The way he looks at me? Nanuyo bigla ang lalamunan ko. I tried to calm myself as he followed me. Kahit hindi ko marinig yung yabag niyang nakasunod sa akin, ramdam na ramdam ko naman yung presensiya niya lalo na kapag malapit lang siya.

"Kailangan ba may rason?" Tanong niya.

I drank the glass of water I got. My hand tightened its hold on the glass, asking for strength... I guess and when I felt that I finally gathered myself, I immediately face him. Sumandal ako sa counter na nasa likod ko.

"Mag-aabogado ka di'ba? If you cannot give me a fact to support your statement that you care, then I guess... you don't care beyond a reasonable doubt." I crossed my arms and I tried not to show him any emotion.

"Come on Aly, don't start with that." Binigyan niya ako ng alangang ngiti. "Sagutin mo na lang 'yong tanong ko. Bakit ka umalis?"

I bit my lip, stopping myself to smirk. "We both know the reason Odi, we clearly know that."

"You're hurting. Alam ko yun. Alam nating dalawa yun at alam din ng lahat yun!" He exclaimed. "But just in case you missed it, all of us are hurting too. Nasasaktan din kami Aly, hindi ka naman nag-iisa. Huwag ka namang selfish, na parang ikaw lang yung naaapektuhan."

I scoffed, "Do you think living here alone is a selfish move?" I frowned at him, feeling a little ache.

How could he say that?

"Ano pa ba? Kasi Aly parang pinatayan mo ulit ng anak sila Tita Rachel, parang tinatakbuhan mo sila, kami. Para ano? Para saan?" He stared at me. "Para sarilihin mo lang yung nararamdaman mo?" Hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong.

"Kaya ko ang sarili ko Odi." I averted his stare.

"Bullshit," he scoffed. "Of course you would say that! You're Grace Alyson for fuck's sake. Always the savior, pero hanggang kailan? When will you be fucking saved? When will you even let yourself be saved? Just for once Aly. Kasi gago, handa naman akong tulungan ka. Alam mo naman na nandito lang ako palagi para sa'yo, di'ba?"

"My God Odi!" I blurted as I shot him a stare. "Alam ko na nandyan ka lang para sa'kin pero bakit parang bago 'to sa'yo? Bakit parang hindi ka na nasanay? You said it yourself Timothy," I emphasized his name, making sure that I'm dead serious. "I am Grace Alyson. I am always the savior. I am so used to taking care of myself alone. I don't need anyone's care for me because I can do that alone," I paused. "I don't even need you here," I coldly said.

I saw how pain shot through his eyes but I don't care.

I think so... I tried.

"This is what actually drives me insane, Alyson." He smiled fakely. "How did I fall for you even if you push me away? Was it the reverse that happened? That every time you push, what happens is, I'm being pulled closer to you."

I stood still after hearing his confession, making him believe that it doesn't affect me at all. I tried not to change my emotion. I tried not to be weakened by his expressive eyes. I tried not to lose my grip on his honesty.

I took a step forward until we're centimeters apart.

"You knew Timothy," I calmly said, pointing at him. "Sinabi ko na sa'yo noon. Don't you dare fall, because I'm not that type of person who'll fall with you," I stated through gritted teeth. "I won't jump even if you do."

"Yeah," he laughed, nodding. "I should've carved that in my mind deeply, kasi ang daya. Hindi ako pwedeng magalit sa'yo kasi hindi ka naman nagkulang na ipaalala sa'kin yun. Nagpaloko ako sa sarili ko, naisip ko kasi, maybe you have feelings for me too. Deep inside of your heart, maybe you have, even just a little. But then again, I was wrong.

All along, I fell alone. You're so naive, that you don't know that everything you do pushes me to fall. You just have no idea how willing I am to fell for you, Grace Alyson." He smiled and shook his head, napahilamos siya sa mukha niya, at tumalikod sa akin.

I felt a tear about to fall but I inhaled deeply to stop it. I bit the inside of my cheeks as I watch Timothy walking away.

He has no idea that I was the first one.

Who fell.

Who jumped.

Who held on to a maybe.

Ako yung unang nagbakasakali.

Na siguro pwede ko na siyang mahalin.