Holding On With Maybe (Holding On Series #2)

30

"What could've been his reason?"

Silence.

Several minutes have passed and I still haven't heard from Timothy, my floor's white tiles are not so well in entertaining me, so I decided to lie down again since I still feel lightheaded.

I glanced on his way. I observed that he's also looking on the ground, while one hand is holding onto the doorknob. I don't know what's up to him, but he seems like he's in his deep thoughts. I even saw how he exhaled largely as if he's being suffocated.

Am I suffocating him?

Because if I do, he can leave. Although, to be honest, I don't want him to leave right now, but then again, who am I to ask him to stay? Wala naman ako sa lugar para hindi siya hayaan umalis at kung aalis na siya, pwede bang gawin na niya agad? Para wala nang mabuo sa isip ko na kung ano pa man.

Umiwas ako ng tingin sa gawi niya at nagsimulang humiga nang maayos, itinakip ko sa mga mata ko ang isang braso ko, pinipilit patulugin ang sarili, kahit ayoko pa talaga.

Hanggang sa may naramdaman ako sa gilid ng kama ko. Sumilip ako saglit at nakita ko si Timothy na nakatalikod sa akin habang nakaupo sa sahig at nakasandal sa gilid ng kama ko.

"Alyson," he called. Hindi ako sumagot at hinintay ang susunod niyang sasabihin. "Are you sober now? Would you forget this all tomorrow?"

"Hindi ko alam," halos pabulong kong sagot. Hindi ko alam, hindi ko sigurado kung makakalimutan ko ang gabing 'to, pero sana hindi.

"Okay..." He weakly said.

Silenced engulfed us again. I waited for him to speak again, I'm not sure how many minutes have passed when he did.

"Why did you leave?" He paused. "No..." He faltered. "Why is it so easy for you to leave almost everyone behind?"

I wasn't caught off guard but I sure took time to answer his question. There's still alcohol in me, it's not so bad as it gave me the confidence that I needed to answer him honestly and bravely.

"Just because I immediately left doesn't mean it's easy," I told him. "Not a single day passed without worrying about my parents... even about you. Coming back was always on my mind, but I have to stand firm for the decision I have done. I felt like I needed to do that because I was afraid that my pain could break someone."

"Aren't you aware that you already did?" He shot back, I know there was bitterness. I know that everything he's telling and asking me right now is the things untold in the past, the things that are hurting him. I'm all aware of that.

"Aren't the people around me aware that they broke me way before?" I took a brief pause before I spoke again. "They weren't too, Timothy, but I'm not blaming them for that because I've always made them feel that I'm okay, that I don't need to be checked every time, that I can be on my own, and they eventually believed that."

"So why am I involved with those people?" He asked helplessly. "I never believed that you were doing okay. I never believed you, every time you're saying that you're fine."

"Isinama kita sa iniwan ko dahil maliban sa sarili ko... you are the person I am afraid to break."

"How are you going to break someone who's already broken?"

"I've thought of that, too," I breathed, as tears began to flow from my covered eyes. "That's why I took the risk because I chose myself. Over you, over anybody else. For once, I saved myself, just like what you wanted for me, but why are you making me feel that I still did it wrong? That I should've not done that?"