Camera Shy

C- 26 - Something worth fighting for.

Despite the fact that I know how important this comeback is for the guys and that they are musicians and must work when the creativity is flowing for them all, disappointment and a deep, dark insecurity resurface as I watched him walk downstairs to join them. I try to fight the irrational thoughts and I focus on the amazing feelings that he stirs within me, but still I lay awake wondering why, after hours of being alone upstairs, why have I not heard any music playing.

I eventually tire myself out to the point that I fall asleep and when I wake up the next morning and head downstairs, I find some plated up food and a note.

'We didn't want to wake you. We'll let you know how the day goes....... Reece (crossed out) Nick, Stu, and TJ. (crossed out) Your lads xxxx'

I can't help but smile. I grab my food and a coffee and sit in the garden, trying desperately hard not to overthink last night or panic over today.

After a quick shower I scan over my emails and work through those. I arrange a couple of band sightings and update their website with some recent videos and pictures.

Once I'm all caught up, I restlessly putter around the garden tidying up and weeding (well I'm guessing they are weeds). I see the punching bag and TJ's words repeat in my mind.

'Jamie, if you concentrate, this sport will aid you physically and mentally, but you have to let go of control.'

I grab some boxing gloves and after a deep breath, I move into the correct stance and start punching. Once my body relaxes and begins to flow, I start adding some kicks. I feel my anxiety start to melt away and all of my focus is on the power of my punches, so much so that when a hand taps me on my back, I instinctively turn and swing, nearly punching Hazel. Luckily, she has good reflexes and jumps back laughing.

"Woah there Jamie, your bad ass!" She says impressed.

Instantly I blush and my awareness kicks in.

"Oh my god! I am so sorry.... I didn't hear you coming... I was thinking about Julie and Chloe and..." I start rambling and Hazel smiles before cutting me off as she lifts the bag in her hand.

"I was sent on a mission this morning. I have cake, milkshakes and coffee."

"Mission?" I question.

"Yes. Reece wanted me to make sure you weren't stressing out about today and instructed me to go to ALL your favourite places. I mean seriously, three different places that aren't even remotely close to each other Jamie? Quit being so fussy." She says jokingly.

"He did that?"

Then I think back to last night and I give her a fake smile.

"I just need ten more minutes, please."

"Ok, I'll respect your needs, but the other person with me may not." She giggles and turns to the door.

"Other person?"

And then I see the one person in the world I need right now, Amy. She steps outside and smiles, walks out to join us in the garden and places a hand on Hazel's shoulder.

"We are going to need a couple of minutes. Do you mind setting up a chick flick?"

"My choice?" Hazels says, raising her eyebrows.

"Go for it." Amy smiles.

Hazel happily heads back through the kitchen.

Amy walks past me and holds the punch bag, "Want to tell me what is bothering you?" 

I head back to the punching bag and start hitting again.

"I'm not enough Amy. I have felt this way my whole life and fought it, but I'm in a whole new world now. At the beginning it felt like I instantly fit in, but now, look at me. This world wants me out."