It's always been you

Change, New, Different

Change is constant. It's unwavering and continuously happening... but change can be scary as it can be exciting. It can be welcomed with open arms or rejected vehemently. For change sometimes bring both pain and happiness to hearts that are lost and wandering.

~~~

It's been a month since the bridge incident and if Sam wasn't as hateful with what that entire scene stands for, he might have called it a start of something beautiful. His friendship with YU was progressing at a pace he never thought possible.

At first, spending time with this man was for his recovery. Then a week after it was because he wanted to make sure he would not make any suicide attempt again. The 3rd week came and Sam felt afraid that YU might have a withdrawal from his company so he doesn't want to lessen the time spent with him. Then the 4th week came and he finally realizes that he's only finding excuses on why he was spending time with him when all along the only answer is: He enjoys being with him.

His company, his laughter, his ideas, his thoughts, his smile, his antics... everything about him appeal to Sam like no other people he met before. Sam never attached himself to people aside from his family because he doesn't want others to feel sad when he left this world. That's why he makes sure he only has acquaintances but not friends. 

But well... YU falls in his world and he has to make some rearrangement. He thought at first, it was because he was the first man he saved. The first representation of those people he wanted to protect. That's why he is special. That's why the time he is with him is not being spent for nothing. It was as if YU was a case study he wanted to decipher for the sake of his cause.

But then... that kind of mindset doesn't seat well with him. For the obvious reason that it was not even close to the truth. Because as much as he was helping YU heal his emotional wounds... Sam felt like YU was also touching something in him that was hidden all along. It was like he was a jigsaw puzzle that has a missing piece and when YU was with him... he fits on that empty space. 

And for the first time, Sam felt alive. All along, he has been existing for only one thing... his project and the cause it represents. He didn't think that there is something wrong with that kind of existence because he knows it has a purpose. To help and to save people. It was a noble cause. Something he could leave to future generations to come. His legacy.

But now he's starting to realize there is a difference between merely existing and really living your life. Having some company... or if Sam would be more specific... having YU's company was bringing change in his perspective in life. However, he wasn't ready to address that. It was easier to see YU as someone he ought to help because that was his responsibility and in line with his principles instead of thinking he wanted to be with him, laugh with him, cook for him... or just spend the night looking up the night sky counting the stars together with him.

If he acknowledges that he had fun teaching him how to swim for his safety instead of seeing that time spent as his obligation... if he admits that he likes watching YU's expression of joy as he eats his favorite food he had prepared for him... if he says he adores his soft alluring voice while he plays the piano... if he recognized his feelings as contentment while YU's head was resting on his shoulder after a long marathon night of animes... then Sam also has to face the fact that his life was starting to change because of YU.

But there are a lot of things needed to be answered, a lot of time to be spent to consider, and a whole lot of thinking... that's why Sam chose to rear all of it inside. Facing it would only make him do something he doesn't want to. It's too early for that...