Heretics

Chapter 17: Razrusha'ya Sol

WARNING SELF HARM AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

I promise this book is going somewhere. Just bare with me please.

razrusha'ya sol = ruined sun

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Everyone was so used to me in the little palace that they didn't even give me or Zoya a second glance. I still wore the gloves at all times though. Zoya knew of my two abilities. Her, Alina, and the General. Ivan and his husband as well. That was about it at the moment.

We made our way through the halls and through the dark hallway which it was so generously nicknamed by myself and Zoya. I pushed open my door and almost fell over a huge box that was in my way. Before I could fall Zoya had pushed a gust of wind my direction and I thanked her and walked around the box.

"Who is it from?" Zoya asked walking to the vanity and checking her face for any blemishes. I threw her kefta onto one of the many chairs around the room.

"No idea." She walked over as I examined the box. There was no note or any wiritng that I could see on the outside of it. The box wasn't huge. Just big enough to fit a few clothing items and maybe some toiletries. Nothing huge.

"Open it Yelly." Zoya provoked me and I rolled my eyes.

"We don't even know who it is from." Then something caught my eye. A little figure of a crow on the corner of the box. barley noticeable. I froze up and looked at Zoya. She hadn't noticed anything. Thank the saints. "I'll just put it over here and deal with it later." I picked up the box and moved it to a random corner of the room.

The first night I spent back in my bedroom I stayed up and write Kaz a letter letting him know everything was fine. I hadn't heard anything since. I knew that Alina hadn't received anything frim Mal and I was surprised that I was allowed this box after being taken not even a week before. Maybe Aleksander didn't know. Maybe Kaz got in here somehow. I laughed at myself thinking of that. The man could barley walk let alone sneak into the little palace. Maybe Inej did it.

"Hello, earth to Yelly?" Zoya was waving her hand in front of my face.

"Yeah? Sorry I zoned." Zoya rolled her eyes and laughed.

"Alina is at the door." The venom was evident in her voice and I ignored it as I walked to the door and opened it. She walked in. Her blue kefta not quite fitting her right.

"Alina." I greeted pulling her in for a hug which she gratefully received. Her arms wrapped around me and squeezed back. Then she saw Zoya smirking at us from the chiar she was currently lounging on. "What can I do for you?"

"Why is she here?" Alina pointed to Zoya who was obviously amused.

"Because she is my friend Alina. Is there a reason you came here? assume it wasn't to critique my choice of company?" I sighed and brought Alina's attention back to me.

"It was to ask if I could talk but I see that you're busy." Her attitude was beginning to piss me off. She was in a foul mood and I had no desire to get the brunt of it. I waved her off.

"We can talk when you're not in such a mood Alina. Come back when you have calmed down." She huffed. I could tell she was about to blow. I really didn't want to deal with this but of course Zoya had to chime in at this moment.

"You heard her horse. Leave." Alina broke at her comment.

"Why did you choose this for company? You had me," She yelled.

"Actually I didn't you chose Genya remember."

"Saints, you really are crazy. That's what they are all saying about you. That you are the razrushhost sol." She stormed off slamming the door behind her. I fell to my knees.

"Yelly?" Zoya cautiously approached me.

"Leave." I stated. More like commanded.

"I'll be back with your dinner." Zoya spoke Ravkan. She knew what Alina had said to me. I let my hands fall into my lap as I heard her close the door and her footsteps echo down the hall. I removed my top and my pants and walked into the bathroom. I ran the water in the tub.

It was scolding hot. Just how I wanted it. I let it run and fill to the brim. The sound of water would cover the sound of my sobs. I let the cut form between my fingers and it went for my hip. I bit into my cheek when it made contact with my skin.

I was loosing Alina. I was loosing my only family I had left. I was pushing her away. I was pushing all of them away. I wasn't letting Aleksander in anymore. Zoya remained on the outside and only came in when I let her. Alina hurt me more than anyone had before and I let the cut fly to my hip again.

I screamed out in pain. The cut going further into my skin than I had meant it to. I door my door open and close and didn't even bother to move thinking it was Zoya. This I could explain to her. Not to Alina or Aleksander but of course it wasn't Zoya.

Aleksander's head and body walked through the entrance to the bathroom. He saw me curled into a ball next to the over flowing tub on the floor. He shut off the water and picked up my head. My eyes were glazed over. I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to be Ravka's savior. I didn't want to be grisha. I didn't want to be alive if it meant pushing everyone away.

Aleksander had been calling my name for a few minutes now and I snapped out of my daze. "Yelna? Miyala?" He voice was filled with concern.

"Aleksander." I said weakly. I had lost to much blood. That last cut went much deeper than I had wanted it to. His eyes filled with worry as he pulled his hand away from my hip. It was covered in dark red blood.

"Ivan! Get me a healer!" He yelled to Ivan who was waiting in the hallway for them. I shook my head. I didn't want these healed. I wanted them to scar. I wanted them to itch and burn when I put them under the water. I wanted to feel them. "Miyala, you have to get these healed."

I shook my head again and tried to escape his grasp but he was holding onto me to tightly. "Please don't Aleksander." I sobbed into his chest as I buried my face into it. He sighed.

"At least let them stop the bleeding?" I nodded in agreement and he motioned for the healer to help stop the bleeding at my hip. I felt it and I hated it. Aleksander kept his promise and only stopped the bleeding. It would still scar and I was glad.

"Aleksander?" He was still holding me on the bathroom floor. The world around us darkened as the shadows crept in. He was angry, I felt it roll off him in waves. His blood was boiling. He hated that I was doing this to myself. But he would never tell me that.

"Why?" His question was enough to let me know though. He would never admit it in words that he cared but through simple questions and actions like he displayed I would see it. I bit my lip thinking of how to respond.

"Because," I sighed. "Because I don't know where I belong anymore."