Words hurt ||Ranboo angst||

||2|| Last resort.

I realize after all this thinking I started to scratch my thighs, so I get up making sure to steady myself so I don't fall and go turn on my pc. I had nothing better to do so I longed on to the smp and joined a empty vc.
while I waited for someone to join, I repaired my armour and filled in creeper holes, went mining and just ran around.
I looked to see if anyone was online in the server and there was a ton of people, even tubbo was on. Then I looked in the discord group.

They were all in the same vc, talking without me. Not even knowing that I was sitting alone in a vc for 2 hours.
I left the vc and started to tear up again, everything that's been happening just came crashing down on me, and i didn't even have my friends there to support me.
I then realized that I had subconsciously walked to my bathroom and started looking through the cabinets, 'no I don't want to do this again, i guess i cant hold it in anymore..'

I found what I was looking for.
A pack of razor blades, they looked to be as old as me, probably even older.
I found them in my parents bathroom when I was about 10, It had been so long since I had last cut...
And If I was being honest I missed the feeling so much.
I slowly picked out one of the blades, studying it before washing it so it was clean.
hand trembling, my mind racing I couldn't handle this anymore so I pressed it to my skin.
It hurt a little bit, but nothing worse than I had already done before. I look at the single line that slowly appeared on my arm, it felt so nice to have something to finally get my emotions out. It was a unhealthy habit but for some reason i couldn't stop.. maybe i just wanted people to notice that i was hurting and try to help me, maybe it was my way of showing that i cant handle all of the hate that i was getting..

I lined up the blade with some of the scars that had already healed since last time, and cut again this time a bit deeper than before. I felt the blood drip down my arm onto the towel I had laid out to catch it.
The way that the crimson liquid looked on my skin made me calm, watching it slowly drip down and hit the towel I put down staining it red. it made me feel safe, happy again..
like thousands of people didn't hate me, or try to get my to quit streaming.. I hadn't seen it in such a long time and I reminisced in that feeling.
I could still feel the tears rolling down my face, and my throat was getting all scratchy and I get more and more dizzy as I continue to cut.. At this point i couldn't stop myself, the feeling if being ok is something i wanted so badly. i just wish-

Then my phone rings. The loud noise shook me out of the trance I was in, I grab the towel and wet it then dab my wrists with it hissing at the pain. I wrapped my forearm with some bandages I found in the cupboard before pulling on a light blue hoodie by this point, the phone had stoped ringing so i look at who called me. It was Tubbo. i quicky call him back to not scare him to much.

"Hello?" Tubbo say, sounding worried

"Hey Tubbo"

"Ranboo? Are you ok boss man? You sound like you've been crying..."  Tubbo say his tone of his voice slowly getting even more worried

"Oh it's just allergies Tubbo, don't worry I'm fine." I brush it off like it was nothing

"Ok" He said, sounding unsure. "Well do you wanna help me and Tommy record a Minecraft modded video??" Tubbo asks, he sounds more happy now.

"No thank you, I'm not feeling the best because of my allergies and I think is better for me to get some rest." I say, fake yawning at the end to make him more convinced.

"Ok Ranboo.. Hey feel free to call me if you ever need anything, I'm your friend and I do care about you and I don't want to see you hurting in anyway ok..?." Tubbo said, disappointed.

'great, now he'll hate me..' i thought

" ok tubbo, I will. Don't worry about me."

" Ok, I'll try not to. Bye Ranboo!"

"Goodbye Tubbo. have fun recording with tommy!" I say hanging up.

Shit, i feel bad for lying to him. but its what i needed to do so doesn't figure out anything, even though i just want to spill all my problems on him i know he wouldn't care. if he did find out well.. my live would be revealed to him.. I get up and slowly walk back to my room, closing my door and laying down on my bed, i was so emotionally exhausted..

Tubbos pov:

I dont know what else to do, he lying to me.. he was crying earlier but why..? he seems to have a perfect life. with a lot for twitch followers and subs, a good family.. what else could he ever want..

i decided to dm tommy, hes always loud when hes on camera but when hes not, hes actually really calm.. i turn on my pc and load up minecraft.

Tubbo_ 'hey tommy, wanna vc? i'm kinda bored'

Tommyinnit 'sure bee boy, give me a sec'

After a couple hours of talking to tommy we decided not to record anything because we were both tired, turns out we both didn't sleep well.. i forgot about earlier.. we were having so much fun just fucking around and playing random games.. i hope ranboos ok maybe i was being to worried earlier ill try not to poke into his business again...

A/n

remember to drink water!

word-count 1012