(Same warning as last time, but this time more angst and it's 3 am now, and a very quick moving chapter. Sorryyy)
Ranboo's pov:
That's when the panic sets it. Oh fucking god does that feeling suck.
It's hard to hide it when your starting to slowly break down, you know? How your whole body just goes against you? The yelling in the background was getting to much, everything I'm my body was telling me to run, to do something that I..deserve.
"I-I'm just going to g-go upstairs." I say to Wilbur.
Before he can answer I bolt up the stairs, i can still hear Tommy and Techno fighting, god why do I have to cause all of this. I'm a Fucking mistake.
I look around and see the room that I know the best, a washroom, I know this is Phil's house, and he probably hasn't hidden the sharp things yet, thank god.
I walk into the washroom, and lock the door behind me. I rummage around the draws, fucking hell where ARE THE SHARP THINGS! Cmon he has to have them somewhere? Right? I fucking need something right now, I need something to hurt with, I need to feel the relief of something! I don't care if people can hear me freaking out I don't care if people think I'm attention seeking! I MEAN BY ALL I KNOW I AM! THATS WHAT MY FTAHER TOLD ME, AND NOW THAT TOMMY SAID IT I GUESS ITS TRUE? Tecnho and Wilbur are to NICE to point it out, OF COURSE THEY WOUNDNT POINT IT OUT! I don't not fit in, but that's normal. I guess they really do hate me?
But i might be victimizing myself, I mean I am a attention seeker, right?.
I think they hate me, but it's not like want me dead, it would be a relief to them but they don't necessarily want it. I did something wrong and now They are mad at me. They wont punish me though- they are to nice for that, They will just resent me all their life. This is why I need to punish Myself, maybe It will make them happy? they just want to make you sick, I can't eat, They'll force me to eat food so that I'll will gain weight, I'll be even more fat, i don't want that. I need to Punish myself, bleed. Bleed it will make my troubles go away!
At last I feel something cut my finger, it was one of Phil's blades, god I've gotten lucky today. I dropped to the ground and made my thighs accessible, I couldn't wait.
Phil's razor blade sliced gently across my thigh, i winced, it was bleeding, a lot, i might have gone too deep, it already didn't look good. However the sight of my blood perling down my leg was quite mesmerizing, it made me forget about the pain i flinched at earlier, i continued to cut, each time deeper and deeper, making sure all my emotions were visible on my skin, I ran out of room on my thighs so I moved to my arms, I didn't care if I died, maybe I'm doing it all for attention,
1.
2.
3.
16.
20.
38.
I couldn't keep going, my vision was falling and my body was in pain, but I did 19 cuts in each arm, and just a hell ton on my thighs. I managed to get up, and turn on the shower, making sure to clean the blood up off the floor before hand.
*^Time skip to where he's in the shower- (because I'm uncomfortable with writing it-)^*
I look down at the still bleeding cuts, watching them as the water washed over them, removing the copper smelling liquid, taking a deep breath as the burning sensation of the very hot water washed over the wounds, The pain helped me focus on something else than my thoughts, and the growing panic. The dizziness was still getting worse, so I decided to get out, dry off and get dressed..
I end up just barley being able to get my clothes on, before collapsing to the ground, the cuts has somewhat stopped bleeding, I reach over to the bottle of pain meds I found earlier well looking around and i scrambled to open it, grabbing just enough to make me pass out. i wanted to sleep, the pain was nice, but I needed to rest, I was still so so tired. i took them and sat down on the floor, waiting for them to kick in. Thought ran through my mind but I could barely make them out, it might seem sad, but I don't regret this.
I deserved it, if I don't have my father hurting me for being a selfish bitch then I'll have to do it myself, you know I never really considered death as a bad thing, I barely believe in a afterlife, but if there is I'll be going straight to hell.
Father used to tell me story's about how 'he saw a angel' and how 'the catholic school are just glorified cults these days'. Both statements I never believed, but when I disagreed with him, i got punched in the stomach.
I love how the brain wonders to distant memories when it feels in danger, it try's to give you some sort of comfort item. I hear my name being yelled from down stairs, I'm to weak to get up, and to tired to care. I managed to yell 'fuck off' before my head felt like it was spinning, and my body felt light as air.
Maybe when I wake up, everything will be ok.. but I dont think it will. I mean it's just my luck..
My vision started to go blurry, I couldn't keep my eyes open for much longer, so I stopped resisting it.
I let the tiredness over take me, I let my body relax. my vision slowly faded to black.
"Maybe.. just maybe I'll be alright."
A/n
W O W bow's posting twice- in the same day-?!
Yep. I felt like I didn't give you enough angst for today, so here a extra angsty chapter- >:) anyways I'm going to beddd-
Sleep- now.
Word count~ 1124
YOU ARE READING
Words hurt ||Ranboo angst||
Random*WARNING THERE ARE SPELLING ERRORS, so SUCK IT UP.* Ranboo has a hard time dealing with his emotions, and often puts others before himself, he develops unhealthy coping mechanisms early on in his childhood, and his life starts to seem meaningless...
