Warning!- I write these late at night and I do not proof read them! Have fun! :D)
Ranboos POV:
He did not just ask me that, now I have to act like everything at my house is fine without having a panic attack!
Fuck. What did I tell him then..? That I've had this planned for awhile because I'm bored of life..? No sounds to fake.
Maybe that I wasn't thinking straight ever since I've left the uk, and that i have done it impulsively...? That's a maybe.
Maybe that I can't handle the constant pain that I deal with on a daily basis, and it's gotten to the point where my pain tolerance is so high that I can stab a knife into my side and it won't hurt..? So death would be a better release then cutting over and ove- nope to descriptive.
I can't handle everything that's going on so I thought that was the best thing to do.
Sure that will work.
I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
"Well- uh you see. My father hasn't been around much because of work so I don't have him to talk to..
and going to see my friends only to be sent back makes it even worse, on top of my eyes getting shown to the who internet.. I guess it was the lack of control I had in these situations that led to it, everything built up on top of me and I couldn't let it out. And I didn't want to burden any of my friends because all of these were my problems, and I don't want anyone thinking of me differently because of them. So the loss of control made me to think that this was the only thing that I could do , the only thing that was in my control..
the only thing I could ever do to finally feel in control again.."
I realize as i ended that little rant that I had said to much.
At least I left my father's abuse out of this, but I still think I said to much.
No one knows that I don't feel in control of my life, I've hid that too.
Well, let's see if he can stop me from doing this again today, I know he has knives in his house.
Plus I have a razor in my pocket! :)
"Odd, you always seemed fine. Are you sure there is nothing else..?" Techno says, Fuck he knows about the cuts. I can feel the bandages.
Maybe about my father too..?
Don't let them know, they'll pity you. Remember what your father told you.
They. Are . All. Fake.
I take a deep breath.. "N-No?" I say, my voice shaking as I exhale..And I fucking stuttered!
Wow, I'm so fucking great at hiding this. I don't need help so I need to seem fine.
But what if he knows about the other things..?!
What if he knows about the rape, the abuse, the getting locked in closets..!?
SHIT, Fucking hell he probably DOES know and just finds it funny! Maybe he's going to do the same thing as my father did to me, What if he brings me to his house and locked me in a closet. What if he thinks this is all for attention but let's me do it anyways! WHAT IF HE SAVED ME JUST TO WATCH ME SLOWLY GO INSANE BECAUSE I DONT KNW HOW TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING!
WHAT IF HE HITS ME, WHAT IF HE KILLS ME!? I DONT WHAT TO BE KILLED BY SOMEONE! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF, I WANT TO HAVE CONTROL! LET ME HAVE CONTROL! PLEASE LET ME HAVE CONTROL!?
LET ME BE HAPPY, LET ME BE HAPPY, LET ME BE HAPPY..! AND LET ME HAVE A GOOD LIFE!
"R ₐₙ—ₒ?"
PLEASE?!
"RAnᵇᵒᵒ!"
PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY-
"RANBOO" techno says pulling me out of my thoughts.
I whimper in pain from throwing my arms over my head, and pulling my legs in so I'm in a ball. I'm waiting for him to hit me since I was being a bitch for ignoring him. God I'm so stupid-
"Boo, it's ok.. just try to calm down ok..? " he says a soft voice, it had a hint of sadness..?
Why is he sad..? I nod and slowly bring my arms down, feeling the blood seep out of the re-opened wounds. I go to rub my eyes and feel..tears..? Oh shit, that was a panic attack. I fucking had a panic attack. Holy shit I'm so dumb.
I use my sweater sleeve to wipe up the tears, making it slightly darker then before.
What didn't techno hit me..?
I mean I'm a complete burden to him right now, so why not take the open offer? After all this is normal of people to be doing to only children..?
Maybe he just didn't feel like it, maybe he wants me to trust him then to hit me, making it even more mentally damaging..
I lower my legs so that I'm no longer in a ball.. and take a long, deep breath.
Might as well make it last, it might be one of my last ones.
Leaning back on to the leather seats, I stretch out my back and some parts of my legs.
"Hey boo, I'm sorry for causing you any sort of problem! I didn't mean to be poking into your business, It's just your my friend, and you've helped me out when I was stressed and struggling. You've helped so many people and yet your mental state is complete shit..? So now I want to know what's wrong so i can give you or get you the help you need ..?
If that doesn't sound good then sorry, but I'm not letting you go back home until you promise your not going to kill yourself." Techno stops to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"Can you tell me how the fuck your so good at masking all of this, no matter what is happening you seem to just take a deep breath and your happy, and you have the ability to help everyone.. so how do you do it."
Well, time to spill some secrets!
"Truth is techno...
"You just turn off your emotions"
A/n
Happy late Halloween!
Hope you all had a fun time trick-or-treating! Even if you didn't go I still hope you had funnn!
Remember that if you ever need to talk about anything please don't vent in the comments, instead vent into my dms! :D
Anyways. Remember that no matter how hard life might feel that it always gets better, and that if you die you don't get anymore of your own birthday cake :C
Love you all <3
-Bow
Word count- 1138
YOU ARE READING
Words hurt ||Ranboo angst||
Random*WARNING THERE ARE SPELLING ERRORS, so SUCK IT UP.* Ranboo has a hard time dealing with his emotions, and often puts others before himself, he develops unhealthy coping mechanisms early on in his childhood, and his life starts to seem meaningless...
