Finding Me (Sequel to Ava,The World, and Niall Horan)

11: Puzzles

***

"Why can't I see them?" I asked Simon.

He was packing up some last minute things. Probably about to board a flight back to L.A. since the U.S. X-factor was about to start back up.

"Why do you think?" He asked me. He looked as if he hadn't slept all night, which was probably true.

"Niall I understand, but the boys are practically my only friends!" I said in anguish, "Are you seriously going to take away my personal life?"

It was sad how true that was. Living three years in London, and I never really made any new friends. Mostly friends of people who were already friends with the boys and I just sort of joined the group. But nothing that was just mine. It's not bad, but it's not exactly helpful in this situation.

"It's not permanent," he defended with a mock tone, "Your publicist only wants it to be temporary, nothing big."

"Nothing big?" I repeated, "You’re leaving me with nothing but my career!"

"In this business, that's all you need."

I stared at him and never answered back to that. I was too scared to. I looked at him again and gave him a nice small fake smile. I felt the need to turn around and walk right out, but I couldn't. Something about what he said scared me.

To loose just one person is scary, but to loose everyone at once is terrifying.

I was in no mood to yell so I didn't argue. For the first time in a long time I didn't speak what I thought. I had grown so used to speaking and thinking anything I wanted. Lately though, all I've been doing is nodding and humming any song they want me too.

"What's first on the list?" I sighed. I didn't look him in the eye, but I knew I had to pretend like if I accepted the facts.

A whole month alone. With no one but myself.

Sounds a bit like my childhood….

"Interview on the Today show. We picked your single we went with Dear California but we can't decide the next considering we don't have a genre to pick from. You went all over the place while you left."

I pondered on what he said. This entire time I was being controlling and focusing on the details, I never see the big picture. I can't just wing it, I had to actually make decisions and that terrifies me. I have songs to pick from, but no thoughts to be happy.

Tennessee didn't work. I pretended it did, but it didn't. I have thoughts and ideas, but nothing sticks with what I want. I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there. Well I know.

I just don't want everyone to hate me for me, which makes me hate me for it….

"I change my mind," I told him. I'm going on a limb, and I'm probably going to get lynched for my plan on getting back, but I'm gonna be happy.

"You don't want that single?" he asked, "I can call up the team, you can meet them, tell me the final decision through video chat."

"Uh yeah sure, but I want a genre, and I have a plan! I want to reach out to another age group. Be risky."

"You’re going to go back to square one?" He asked surprised, "You left so that you can save everything, and now you’re just going to throw it away?"

My mind was running a million miles an hour but I loved it, "… Uh yeah I am. Fuck all the songs you approved, How long until we absolutely have to publish everything."

"Next month," he said, "That's your release date, but in five days you release the singles which is three songs, interviews the entire time, they're going to ask what to expect from this new album, and you’re throwing your finished product to the curb!"