Finding Me (Sequel to Ava,The World, and Niall Horan)

35: I'm More Of A Waffles Kind Of Girl

  3 weeks later ******

“In a minute!” I called out from the bathroom.

I don’t know why this keeps happening.

Every time right before I go on, I panick.

I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but I always end up with the strangest jitters. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions all at once.

I always end up being somewhat late to my song either way. I’m pretty sure everyone hates me.

“Ava....?” asked Alicia with a knock.

I looked up right away from the sink.

I tried to breath but I couldn’t, “What are you doing out here?” I asked.

She should be stalling or something!

“We couldn’t wait any longer,” She said while wiggling the knob, “You have to go out now! The background musics already playing, you have like 30 seconds at best.”

Why.The.Fuck.Now?

“Alright,” I said with a gasp.

I kept trying to pull through and just ignore it after time, but you can’t.

There’s no way you can ignore it. How do you ignore the panic of thinking your about to die any minute now?

The feeling of your throat closing and your nostrils  fuming to no avail?

It’s a dead end that you see right away but you run towards it anyway just because it might have some form of hope. But there’s nothing.

Then it just... leaves. Like if nothing ever happened.

It left. Like if nothing ever happened.

I unclenched my fist and fixed my make up a bit. I got out of the bathroom and ran towards the stage.

Fifteen seconds away from my cue. Literally.

“Ava!” I heard Minka call after me with a small thing and a water bottle in hand.

“Here, take a Xanax,” She said giving the pill, “Alicia said she heard you freaking out again.”

That was about the fifteenth I’d taken this month alone.

I took it anyway since it actually worked.

I ran out quickly and felt that buzzing feeling. I didn’t know where that came from either, but I didn’t mind it as much.

It beats not being able to breath.

******

I wiped the sweat off my forehead as and walked towards the dressing room to get changed quickly for the final encore.

I really should be running. Like really running. I didn’t feel like running.

I’ve had that lazy feeling, but this... this isn’t that.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me I just know I don’t like the feeling.

It’s more like that feeling where you have an eerie sensation... except it’s not about something, but rather yourself.

“I can’t,” I told Minka when I found her in my dressing room.

“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked me with concern.

“I can’t go out there,” I told her, “I just want to get back to the bus and hop into my bunk and sleep.”

“Alright,” She said calm, “We can get Alicia to close the show.”