This Is Me

He'll Come Around (Part One)

He'll Come Around (Part One)

"Nervous about today?" Blaire's voice broke through the cozy silence I had found myself in sitting out the front of her house on Monday morning.

The cool breeze managed to soothe my nerves ever so slightly as I watched the occasional car drive past. While nobody had been home when we arrived at Blaire's as the night rolled in the house filled up quite quickly. Thankfully, Blaire managed to allow me to stay in seclusion in her bedroom and get some much-needed sleep.

I loved Blaire's family, but they could be quite full on a lot of the time. I would still have to see them after school, but I was hoping I would be ready by then. Luckily, they weren't morning people so the few of them I had seen after waking up were husks of who they usually were. Something that worked in my favour for my current state of mine.

"No, I'm peachy keen," I finally responded as I heard the front screen door open and close and Blaire took a seat beside me.

"Stupid question, I know."

"A smidge," I said, forcing a smile.

It was hard convincing myself I was ready for this. Even though, in my mind, I had been telling myself I was and that it had been the right thing to do, the way I was feeling made it seem as though it wasn't. The way my heart seemed to be sitting alongside my stomach and how every breath made me think butterflies were fighting in my lungs. It was as if my body was trying to tell me I wasn't ready, even if my mind was saying something different.

I was so used to trusting in my gut, it felt odd going against it as much as I currently was.

"I keep trying to tell myself that Andy and Leroy already knew that I was gay," I said aloud, and I felt Blaire's head rest on my shoulder. "The almost-kiss with Leroy and what Andy told you and me and their relationship. I just—I want to believe they knew already and didn't care."

"But you can't help some thought telling you they didn't and that they do care?" Blaire questioned, and gave a small nod.

"One of the reasons I was confident in posting the video was because I had you three. But what if I don't?"

"I don't know. I want to tell you everything will work out the way you want, but I know how your brain works and that won't help," Blaire said honestly, and a small laugh escaped my lips.

She wasn't wrong.

"I think all you can do is have faith in other people. In Andy and Leroy. And fight for what you want."

"And if they fight back?" I asked, a hint of fear in my voice as I tried to keep my composure.

"I don't know. That isn't my decision to make."

She was right, of course. The problem was, I had no idea of what decision I would make if it came down to it.

"Well, you know what they say. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it," I said, and I felt Blaire shrug.

"Not quite, but I'll have the gasoline when you're ready."

With another forced smile and the thought of grabbing my bag and heading off in my mind, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and I pulled it out to see a message from Andy.

"We aren't picking the guys up this morning," I said aloud after reading the small message, and Blaire sat up straight, taking her head off my shoulder.

"Why?"

"Uh, doesn't say."

Blaire put her arm around me after I spoke and squeezed.

"I'm sure there's a good reason."

"Yeah... I'm sure."

"I should be a therapist," Blaire said as she pulled away from me and stood up.

"What?" I questioned, following her actions, and getting to my feet.

"I just gave some good-ass advice."

"I don't think you'd do well as a therapist." I shrugged, grabbing my bag I had placed beside me.

"I disagree," Blaire counted, adjusting hers on her back.

"Eh, you have to listen to everybody's bad decisions and I don't think that's one of your strong points."

"I think people would appreciate me telling them that they're a fucking idiot. Don't appreciate it?"

"Not in the moment, no."

Walking across the front lawn and reaching my car, I watched as Blaire shrugged before opening the passenger door.

"Well, if you didn't make dumb decisions I wouldn't have to tell you you're an idiot. Like almost kissing Leroy, you fucking idiot."

"Ha-ha," I muttered, throwing my bag into the back of the car and getting into the driver's seat.

"But, hey, look at you now," Blaire said, gesturing at me and smiling.

"I can guarantee I look like crap."

"I meant, like, being openly gay and all."

"I enjoy how you didn't dispute that I look like crap."

"You're anxious, it comes with the territory."

"Thanks," I said, rolling my eyes and starting the car.

She wasn't wrong about me being anxious. I was, even more so since Andy's text message. I had no idea why the routine we had done since I got my license was coming to an abrupt halt. Was it something to do with the video? Or the almost-kiss I had with Leroy? It certainly seemed that way, and I bring myself to think anything other than approve of who I was.

Maybe they didn't want to be around me anymore.

God, I was a fucking idiot.