This Is Me

Don't Blame Yourself (Part One)

Don't Blame Yourself (Part One)

To say the past five days were anything but hectic would have been the understatement of my life. From the Friday afternoon with Leroy to sitting across from Andy in The Coffee House on Wednesday morning, a lot happened, and I did not know how to process most of it.

"I think this is the longest I haven't talked for, aside from when I'm asleep." Andy's voice drifted into my ears as I felt him stare into the top of my head.

My eyes were trained on the, now cold, coffee in front of me as I sat hunched over in our usual booth. From the moment I had picked Andy up from his house, I hadn't said a word, and Andy had followed my lead and stayed quiet.

I didn't know if I was thankful for the silence or if it was feeding the worry residing in my mind.

"Well, I have been told I talk in my sleep so, maybe this is the longest I've gone without talking," Andy continued, and I slowly lifted my head to look across the table at him. "Well, maybe it was, but now I've opened the floodgates. Oh, hi."

Andy shot me a smile as our eyes locked, and I managed to replicate it but reverting to the position I was in.

"Okay, school starts in five minutes, which we're clearly going to be late for, are we going to have a chat session or just continue to stare into your untouched coffee?"

"I don't know what to say," I muttered, not making the effort to look at Andy. "I should be happy. My family loves me. I'm supported. Yet, I can't stop thinking about Leroy."

"Well, talk to me," Andy said quietly, and I let out a sigh.

"He's probably already told you, right?"

"But you haven't. You were right the other day. You are my best friend. I should've been there for you too. Heard what you had to say."

"You don't—you don't have to feel bad or sorry, Andy. I—I just..." I trailed off as I tried to find what I wanted to say.

I could feel the bubbling in the pit of my stomach as if my emotions were going to boil over again and come crashing out into The Coffee House. That wasn't something I wanted... again.

"You know everything, right?" I asked, finally looking up at Andy again, and he tilted his head side-to-side.

"About Leroy? Yes. About everything? No."

"But you know about Leroy... about...how he..."

"Is like you?" Andy filled in, trying to be as respectful and gentle as he could.

"Yeah... and his dad..."

"Doesn't like that very much." Andy's face changed as he spoke, and a look of cold stone swept over it.

It was the first time I had ever seen him look like that and it was terrifying.

"Yeah..." I muttered, wanting to look away from Andy again, but I couldn't bring myself to. Our eyes remained locked. "He didn't really say much, but what he did say explained why he... is doing what he's doing."

"I wanted to tell you, Pete. But I hope you understand why I couldn't."

"It's not your place," I said and gave a small grin to Andy, which seemed to wash away the stone as he returned it. "I still don't know what to do."

"You don't blame yourself, do you?" Andy asked as I let my eyes wander around The Coffee House.

When we had first arrived twenty minutes ago, there weren't a lot of people filling up the tables and booths, though seemingly as the morning continued and the workday was starting, people were needing their coffee. The queue at the counter was growing and seats were being filled, and soon there wouldn't be any space left, and here Andy and I were, taking up space all because I was having a crisis.

'Crisis'.

I was having a teenage drama. Leroy was the one who was in a crisis—something far worse. All I had going on was being a gay teen.

A gay teen who had an overwhelming positive acceptance from the people who loved him. But I'm here. Always on the verge of tears—on the cusp of a breakdown.

Is that fair? Is it fair for me to be feeling like this when so many others have it so much worse after coming out?

Is it fair to feel like this when Leroy is going through what he is?

"Uh, Pete?" Andy's voice broke me out of my thoughts, and I look back at him, feeling the waterworks start to form.

I don't think it is.

"I don't know!" My voice was a harsh whisper, and though I knew it didn't carry far, it was like the crack of a whip between Andy and me. "Why does it feel like my world is falling apart when it isn't?"

"Don't blame yourself. You're allowed to be upset, Pete."

"Am I? I have it great. My family loves me. I have support at school. I have it so good. All my problems and worries, I created them."

I took a pause and turned my attention to the cold coffee sitting in front of me, feeling a tear swing freely from my eye.

"And then Leroy..." I choked out, taking a deep breath in an attempt to recompose myself.

"Was having trouble long before you said anything," Andy chimed in, reaching across the table awkwardly to place his hand on my shoulder. "Long before what happened on Friday."

"I just don't know what to do," I said, fixing my eyes on Andy. "And please sit back down, you look like you're in pain."

Andy grinned gravely as he retracted his arm and sunk back into his seat, which he had been hovering over.

"Not much you can do. Trust me. I've had him staying at my house, trying to keep him... I don't know... safe, I guess. But he wants his family. I've heard the way his dad talks to him on the phone when he's at my house." Andy rolled his eyes. "'You're all I have. This isn't what your mother would want.' And on and on."

"And Leroy goes back? After everything? He told me about the bruises and broken bones. He used to say they were from soccer..."

"As you said, Pete. You got everything you wanted. Everything went well for you," Andy said slowly as if he were treading on ice—trying not to upset me. "Leroy... has his dad. Who, yes, lies and manipulates him... and does everything else. But it's all he has after his mum died. I understand why he doesn't want to lose it."

I nodded as Andy spoke, not sure what to say. He, of course, was right. I had no idea how I would react in Leroy's situation, but holding onto whatever family I had left, no matter the cost, seemed pretty close.

"So... how have you been handling it?" I asked, hoping there was even the slightest thing I could do.

"I've just... been there," Andy replied solemnly. "That's all I can do. Look, Pete, he cares about you. A lot. I don't know what he said to you last night, but pushing you away is killing him."

I nodded at Andy's words, not finding any of my own to say.

"I don't doubt that there's going to come a time when he is gonna need you. I hope you'll be there when it comes."

I let Andy's voice ring in my head for a moment as I took another look around The Coffee House, which was now full of people enjoying breakfast and talking among themselves.

I knew Andy was right. After all, Leroy was living the nightmare I fear I would be, and what he was going through only fuelled my reasoning for being as scared as I was. I had met Leroy's dad when I was younger, and he was a good man back then. He was close to Leroy and was kind, even with the trauma of losing his wife.

Now... I didn't even recognise him when he barged into Leroy's room on Friday. Hell, I've barely been able to recognise Leroy. All my fears and doubts about coming out as gay—all of them have happened to Leroy. And I was too caught up in my stupid mind to think of anyone other than myself.

"I will be," I finally managed to say, turning back to Andy.

"Good." Andy grinned, pulling his phone out to check it. "Well... we are officially half an hour late to school."

"Best get there then," I stated, picking up my stone-cold coffee and downing it in one chug. "That was wildly disgusting."