This Is Me

A Big Change (Part One)

A Big Change (Part One)

"Jesus Christ, Pete!" Blaire yelled as the car jolted forward, and the engine stalled.

"I'm sorry!" I quickly said, scrambling to get the engine going again so as to not hold traffic up too much. "I thought I was getting the hang of it," I mumbled.

Clearing my mind of what was to come, Leroy, and everything else, was proving much more complicated than I had hoped, and it seemed to be impacting my driving. Not that I was the best at driving a manual to start with, but I wasn't usually this bad.

Sometimes.

"Clearly not." Blaire laughed, holding her hand over her heart. "Scared the shit out of me."

"Me, too," I said with an incredibly forced chuckle.

The constant spinning of all of the thoughts in my mind was dizzying, and the rhythmic pumping of my heart sending pulses of blood to thump in my ears was not helping.

As a horn came from behind me, my car came to life and I quickly, but carefully, began driving again, making sure to pay a lot of attention on changing the gears.

"Well, there's still time," I smirked, shaking the wheel slightly.

"Peter, I swear to God!"

"Don't be so dramatic then."

"Back on to the topic," Blaire said, crossing her arms in a huff, and I smiled to myself, keeping my eyes trained on the road.

"You mean the topic of me hopefully being still welcome at home?" I questioned, slumping in my chair.

Blaire had been making a point of trying to get me to talk about how I was feeling about going home since the distraction of her talking about Cooper hadn't worked.

I wasn't sure how she knew that talking about her flirting with Cooper was making me uneasy, but she seemed to pick up on it.

Sadly, she did not take that as a hint to stop talking about everything and brought my family up.

"I'm sure you are. Pete, rehearsed or not, I'm sure what they said when you told them, they meant it. They love you," Blaire affirmed, and I nodded.

"Yeah. It's probably all in my head. I didn't handle it the best. Hell, I haven't handled anything well."

"It's a big thing, Pete. A big change," Blaire said, before letting out a long sigh. "I'll miss having you at my house. I know Jordan will."

"It has been pretty cool staying with you." I chuckled as I came to a stop in front of Blaire's house and killed my car's engine before a new realisation came over me.

The Friday afternoon I spent at Leroy's—when everything had gone wrong—I had missed the football game.

Sure, I may not have been in the headspace to go or enjoy it, but I couldn't believe it had taken me this long to realise that I missed it.

"I missed the game," I muttered, past Blaire and up at her house.

"Oh, yeah. But, so did I," Blaire said, patting me on the shoulder and giving me a solemn smile.

"But it was the last game before the finals. Did we win?" I asked, tilting my head toward Blaire as she shook her head.

"No. No, we got our ass kicked, apparently."

This week just kept getting worse.

Sadness started to bubble up inside of me, replacing the worry I had been feeling. I had no idea why I was getting so emotional over missing the last game of football our team would be playing, but I couldn't seem to stop my emotions.

Maybe it was because I already had so many conflicting emotions raging around in my body, and I had only just been able to hold myself together, that this was the final straw. The thing that pushed me over the edge. And as I felt a tear slip from my eye, I broke down.

More tears flowed effortlessly down my face as Blaire undid both of our seatbelts and pulled me into a hug, gently rubbing my back as I cried into her shoulder. The game was no longer on my mind, and all I could think about was my parents and Leroy.

"I-I don't want to l-lose them," I spluttered into Blaire's shirt as she continued to hold me.

The middle console was planting itself firmly in my side as Blaire gently rocked me, but I didn't care. The pain it was causing was nothing compared to what I was already feeling.

"You won't, Pete. You won't," Blaire muttered, but her words fell on deaf ears.

Everything I had been trying to hold in and hide kept pouring out as I leaned into Blaire's warmth. Trying to get it to envelop me and fight off the coldness I had created. To fill the holes that I could blame no one else for but myself.

"I just w-want to b-be normal," I choked out, trying to catch what little breath I could.

I don't know where those words came from, but I couldn't stop them from coming out or from echoing in my head.

'I just want to be normal.'

I couldn't count how many times I had said that or thought that, but it had always been something that played on my mind. For the past few days, I had thought I was past that kind of thinking. That I was finally moving on from that and learning to accept myself and who I was.

I guess it wasn't that easy.

"You are normal, Pete," Blaire whispered, doing her best to calm me down, but I knew she had no idea what to say.

Why would she? She had no clue what I was going through or what was happening in my mind, though I didn't blame her. Even I was having trouble keeping up with it.

One moment I was fine, laughing and enjoying myself with new friends. Two people who were like me. That I had inspired them to come out and be themselves.

Then, the next, I was lost again. Wishing for anything other than to be me.

If only they could see me now.

Wiping my face one more time, I turned to look back at Blaire. She looked at me with worry and sympathy, and I mustered up a smile for her before taking in a deep, shaky breath.

"Why do we even have school football this late in the year?" I said quietly, my voice cracking with almost every word. "I mean, it's November for God's sake."

I wiped my eyes one more time as Blaire gave me a small smile and put her hand on my shoulder again.

"To try not to interfere with the out-of-school season," Blaire answered, and I was thankful she played along.

I needed to get rid of the anger I was feeling. Not because it was unwarranted, but because I needed to face my parents with a clear mind.

"Do you want to stay for dinner?" Blaire asked suddenly, dropping her hand from my shoulder. "Or, just hang here until... until you're ready?"

Taking a moment to think about the offer, I nodded. It would be nice to thank the Brodies for all they had done for me, especially Jordan.

"I mean, I'm sure dinner is already planned for you anyway," Blaire pointed out with a shrug.

"True. It would be rude of me to leave beforehand," I said with a forced chuckle, still trying to get rid of the anger I was feeling toward Leroy.

I was not going to let his actions ruin who I was.

"Very," Blaire said with a small laugh, and we both got out of the car and headed toward her house.