This Is Me

Cake Fixes Everything (Part One)

Cake Fixes Everything (Part One)

My heartbeat didn't slow. My breathing didn't calm. And my mind continued to race, as I let tears continue to roll down my face effortlessly. The remnant of my scream still echoed in my ears, and my hands still grasped my car's steering wheel, whitening my knuckles.

Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I have to post that stupid fucking video?

I wanted to hit something. I wanted to scream again. I wanted anything but what was happening. This was my fault, and as much as I wanted to blame Leroy for making me feel like this. For turning his back on me, I couldn't. Deep down, I knew that it was all on me.

Me leaning in to kiss him, he could have passed that off as nothing, but pairing that with the video and finding out that I was gay was clearly too much. I understood that. I needed to. So, why was I still so angry?

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to force my mind to focus on anything but the forceful sound of blood pumping in my ears. To my surprise, it started to work, and I felt something vibrating in my pocket. I didn't make a move to check it, continuing to feel it in my pocket. I knew it was my phone, and I waited for it to finish.

Eventually, it did. Slowly, I loosened my grip on the steering wheel and shakily moved my hand to my pocket, pulling my phone out. As I did so, I could still feel it vibrating sparingly.

Taking a few more minutes to try and even out my breathing, I looked down at my phone.

Two missed calls. Five unread messages.

Looking at who was calling me, I could see it was Andy, and my mind felt a little at ease as I saw the messages he sent to accompany the calls, asking if I was okay and where I was. I still had him. And I had Blaire and Brad. Perhaps I was overthinking everything.

Maybe Blaire was right, and Leroy would come around, too, though, there was a large part of me that kept saying I ruined everything with him. One stupid moment of vulnerability.

I should never have gone to his house.

If I had stuck to what I had been doing, and not let my stupid feelings get in the way of everything, this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have gone to kiss him. His father wouldn't have seen. And the video would never have been uploaded.

That's what I kept telling myself.

It would have been fine. Everything would have been fine. It'd be normal. At least, as normal as I could be.

Taking a deep breath and wiping a few tears from my eyes, I opened the only other message I'd gotten, which was from Blaire.

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From That Scary Lady Named Blaire

8:43 am Whenever you're ready Pete. I'm here.

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'Whenever you're ready'.

I wanted to be ready now. I'd give anything to be ready to face who I was. I'd give anything to go back and tell Blaire I was sorry or even reply to her message, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was weak, and I hated it.

Wiping the single tear that had found its way down my cheek, I put my phone away and started my car up again. Pulling out of the sideroad, I began making my way somewhere. I didn't know where I wanted to go, but subconsciously, I must have had an idea, as, after ten minutes, I was parking my car in front of the entrance of The Coffee House.

Shutting my car and stepping out into the morning breeze, I made my way into The Coffee House, locking my car behind me. I had no idea why I had come here, considering a certain someone who worked behind the counter would only bring me to despise myself that much more.

Keeping my eyes on my shoes, I made my way past the counter and the few people who had settled into their booths with food and drink. In a few more strides, I reached the far corner and slipped into the empty booth, crossing my arms on the table and resting my head on them. I didn't feel like drinking or eating. Hell, I didn't feel like doing anything ever again. I wanted to go back. Back before I went to Leroy's house. When I could've said no.

All I wanted was to be able to accept who I was. To be able to be proud of who I was. Had the video helped? Was I ready to look at myself and be happy with who I was? No. I would give anything not to be gay. To not have a fear of people looking down on me for something that wasn't in my control. Worrying about people hurting me because of who I was. The video had made things worse.

As I sat there lost in my emotions, I heard the sound of footsteps approaching me, and I prayed that it wasn't a certain someone.

"I'm pretty sure you should be at school," Sam's voice drifted into my ear, and I mentally groaned and lifted my head to look at him.

"And shouldn't you be at Uni?" I retorted, trying to keep any sharpness out of my voice. After all, I didn't want to snap at anyone else who didn't deserve it.

"Nope. I have a night class today. Well, tonight," he added with a chuckle, and it almost brought a smile to my face. Almost.

The knowledge that my video had gone onto our school's social wall, which most of the graduated students were still a part of, I had a feeling Sam had seen it too. Though, the fact he had come over to me was a good sign, right? Either that, or he was doing his job.

"Well... whatever then," I mumbled, turning my attention to the window, looking at nothing in particular. I just needed to get my eyes off him.

"I've given my reason, now, why aren't you in school?" Sam pressed, and I rolled my eyes before turning back to him.

"I'm flunking."

"Well, then... does the rebel want a coffee?" He shot me a smile, and I wanted to die instantly.

I didn't want to feel anything when I saw his perfect smile. I didn't want my mind to race or my stomach to fold in on itself. I didn't want it. I wanted that feeling with a girl. Not a boy. Not multiple boys.

"I kind of just want to be alone right now." I gave Sam a small smile before putting my head back down on my arms. Yes, it was rude, but at that moment, I didn't think I cared too much.

"My girlfriend says that all the time, and I know just the thing that can help. I'll be back."

With that, I heard Sam walk away, his footsteps slowly fading as the sound of my heart shattering rang in my ears. Of course. I didn't know why I thought, even for a moment, I could find someone and be happy. Although did I ever think that? Even though it was just a word. One that came from someone I barely even knew, it stung, and my world folded in even more.

Girlfriend.