This Is Me

Multiple Problems (Part Two)

Multiple Problems (Part Two)

"You saw?" Blaire's voice seemed to slide up an octave, just as my heartbeat almost broke through my rib cage, but Blaire continued before I had a chance to say anything. "I mean, I only just saw it, and Andy quickly rushed over to tell me it was only recently, and we'd be introduced at lunch. I'm sorry, Pete."

"I'm sorry, what?" my mind was racing, mainly because I had no idea what Blaire was talking about, but if she thought it was a problem, it usually was.

"Leroy's new girlfriend."

My heart which was once beating as fast as the speed of light almost stopped dead, and it felt as though it had fallen into the pit of my stomach with enough force to smash through the ground.

"That... wasn't... girlfriend?" I was struggling to get any words out as I lowered my voice even more and scanned the surrounding areas once again.

"Oh. You have a different problem. That was... okay, now I'm really sorry!" Blaire scrambled to get her words out as I took in the panicked look on her face

"No, it's fine. Leroy has a girlfriend. It was bound to happen at some point. So, it's fine. I don't care. They kissed, didn't they? That's what you saw?"

"Pete—"

"No, I don't care. I don't want to know. I have a bigger problem. A second problem. I have multiple problems. Fuck."

My heartbeat was slowly starting to get back to normal, though my mind was still going wild, and I couldn't get the image of Leroy and some mystery girl out of my head. Though every time I pushed it away, the thought of Brad seeing the video raced back into my mind.

Would he tell my parents? He had said he didn't tell anyone, but he could, right?

"I'm all ears!" I could still see the apologetic look in Blaire's eyes. It was as though she was trying to scream that she was sorry but didn't know how to convey it accurately. But it didn't matter. Leroy didn't matter. I had bigger problems.

"Well, you know... I'm gay," the words shook as they came out of my mouth, as I still wasn't used to saying them yet. It was a side effect of still trying to learn how to accept myself.

"Yes, Pete, I know that part," Blaire joked, obviously trying her hardest to make the situation less tense and awkward, though it wasn't working.

"Okay, so I... before I came out to you... I did something."

My voice was becoming quieter and quieter, and I found myself grabbing Blaire gently and moving her even further away from the other students. Giving my surroundings one more look over and catching a glimpse of Andy eyeing us off before heading into the school, I continued.

"I made a video. A coming-out video sort of thing. It was something to help me come to terms with who I am. It's stupid, I know—"

"It's not stupid, Pete," Blaire quietly interjected, and I gave her a soft smile.

"Thanks, but it is. Well, it was. And, well, I thought my computer was safe, but I must've left it open."

"Is this going where I think it's going?" Blaire asked though I could tell that the look on my face told her it was going exactly where she was thinking.

"Brad saw it. I thought I closed it, but I guess I didn't, and he saw it."

"What? When?"

"It's so stupid, and I'm such a fucking idiot. He said he saw it when he was setting up for the party."

"Why—" Blaire began to ask, but I cut her off almost instantly.

"Because I'm a fucking idiot!" I repeated slightly louder and was glad that the other students had all but disappeared.

"Okay, okay... okay... okay," Blaire mumbled over and over, as I could start to feel my heartbeat speed up again.

"I don't know what to do, Blaire. I'm not ready to come out to anyone else yet, especially my family. Hell, I wasn't even ready to come out to myself. I can't... I can't breathe."

It became very apparent to me extremely quickly that I was starting to have a panic attack. I knew that it would happen at some point, but I still wasn't prepared for it.

"Pete, are you okay?" Blaire asked, placing her hand on my shoulder as I began to shake, and my airway started to feel more restricted.

"No," I managed to choke out while shaking my head and quickly moving over to a nearby wall and latching onto it for dear life.

My head was spinning as I tried to level out my breathing, but with each breath out, I felt as though I needed to take five breaths in. I pushed my back against the wall and felt myself slide down it, knowing that it probably wasn't the best thing I could do, but I didn't care.

Blaire was still beside me with her hand resting on my shoulder, freaking out and not knowing what to do. I could hear her muttering, "breathe, breathe, Pete," though it wasn't doing me much good, as I sat on the ground, feeling as though I was about to pass out. It felt like no air was getting into my lungs, no matter how much I gasped for it.

Every thought in my mind was focused on the bad things. The video that Brad had seen showed him who I truly was. It showed the part of me I tried to keep hidden because I was afraid. Yes, I wanted to be out. I wanted not to care and just be myself, but what if there was a cost to that? What if it cost me everything? That seemed like the absolute worst-case scenario, but they were the thoughts my mind was trained on.

"What can I do?" Blaire's soft voice sidled into my ear and managed to pull me out of my thoughts as I continued to fight to even out my breathing and lower my heart rate.

"I don't know," I managed to choke out, and my thoughts landed on Leroy.

His radiant face and the happiness he emitted. His smile seemed to engulf his surroundings and cast everyone in his light. His eyes always seemed to shine bright, even when he was feeling down. My mind rested on the thought and the image of him, and I could feel my breathing begin to level out. My heartbeat started to slow, and my head stopped spinning. I had no idea why I had started getting these feelings for Leroy, but in a moment like this, I was glad I had him.

"Pete?" Blaire whispered, and I could still feel her hand on my shoulder as I looked up into her eyes.

"I'm okay," I murmured back, knowing that I wasn't okay. The good thing was—I was no longer having a panic attack.

"We should head in." Blaire looked up at the school, and I followed her gaze, seeing the last few students making their way into the school.

"Yeah..." I trailed off as I gave Blaire a soft smile before pulling myself off the ground.

Shooting Blaire one more smile, we both made our way to the front of the school and walked inside.

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A/N: Leroy! How could you?!

You would just cheat on the boy you have no idea likes you and who you have no idea is even interested in your gender?

How could you?

You would do this to the boy you would be in no way, shape, or form cheating on by getting into a relationship with someone else?

Unbelievable.

Anyway... <3

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Question:

I mean, do you think Peter is reacting appropriately, considering everything thats happening?