This Is Me

An Awkward Gay Mess (Part Two)

An Awkward Gay Mess (Part Two)

"Well, it was good to meet you, Coop," Blaire said, and I quickly looked away from the both of them, acting as though I hadn't been watching them.

"You, too, Blaire. You should sit with us one day," Cooper suggested, and Blaire chuckled.

It was not a typical chuckle either. It was high-pitched, and unlike any sound I had ever heard come out of Blaire's mouth before.

"Maybe. I'll have to see."

Looking up, I saw Blaire and Cooper shaking hands once again, and I waited for them to finish.

"I should be getting home. I need to go over some things with my mum," Cooper said, breaking up the handshake, and dropping his hand to his side.

"Yeah, Pete, you should be getting home, too," Blaire said, turning toward me, noticing me for the first time since she'd laid eyes on Cooper. "It's, uh, the big day. Isn't it?"

At Blaire's words, my chest began to feel heavier, and it seemed like a hole in my stomach had appeared—leaving a space where I could have sworn there should have been some organs.

After my weekend stay at Blaire's house and my conversation with Jordan, I decided to forfeit my week-long stay and go home early. After all, wasn't it better to rip a band-aid off?

Though, seeing my parents after coming out having given them some time to acclimate to it all was not something I was filled with confidence about. Even if I had been trying to tell myself everything would be okay. They had even said they still loved me.

But what if they didn't accept me? Or they didn't want me anymore?

We had been the perfect family. We had a perfect house in a perfect neighbourhood. What if there wasn't any place for someone like me in that perfect picture?

There was a large ebbing in the back of my mind that scolded me for wanting more. Why would I want more when I seemingly already had everything? Why couldn't I just be happy?

No matter how hard I tried to shake that voice away, I could never do it. Sometimes, it got smaller and started to fade. Over the last few days, it had almost been non-existent as I bathed in the relief of finally being myself, but it was still there. Now, it was growing more prominent again.

I was happy being who I was. Showing the world who I was and not wearing a mask anymore. I didn't think I could go back to not doing that. I didn't want to go back to locking away parts of who I was. But that was something I would have to do if they didn't accept me. If my parents didn't want to see who I was.

I didn't want to have to hide, but I didn't want to leave them behind either. However, if they didn't want to see me without the mask they had grown so accustomed to me wearing, I didn't think I'd be able to stay.

With all this worrying plaguing my mind, I tried to put on a brave face for my friends.

"It sure is," I said, after what felt like a thousand years of thinking, trying to force a smile, though I could feel it was coming off as more of a grimace.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Blaire asked, moving to my side, continually shooting glances at Cooper.

I was fighting the urge to roll my eyes at the pair of them.

"No, no. I need to do this alone."

"Trent will also be going home," Trent interjected, and the rest of us laughed. "Just in case anyone was wondering."

"All right, all right. I think we should all disperse. I shouldn't run into anyone in the parking lot now," I added in a mumble, and Blaire nodded.

"Same place on the field for lunch tomorrow?" Cooper asked, and I looked over at him and Trent who had begun to move back out into the open.

"Sounds like a good plan," I said with a smile on my face, trying not to let my current fear show.

"All right, well, good luck with your big thing," Cooper said, kicking at the back of Trent's heels as they walked past.

"See you tomorrow, Pete," Trent called, recovering from Cooper's kick and trying to step on his shoes.

"Thanks. See you later!" I waved at their backs, even though I knew they weren't looking at me.

"They seem nice," Blaire said, hooking her arm through mine, and we followed in the footsteps of Cooper and Trent.

"Yeah. Especially Cooper." I grinned at Blaire and gently bumped into her shoulder.

"Why Cooper specifically?" Blaire asked innocently, and I rolled my eyes.

"You don't need to play dumb with me. It's me. Peter. Someone who could use the distraction of what you call flirting."

"What I call flirting?" Blaire questioned, and I looked at her raised eyebrows as we reached the near-empty parking lot and began walking across it. "You of all people cannot judge my flirting."

"I have never tried to flirt with anybody in my life!" I lied, doing my best to defend myself.

"What a load of shit."

"Well, I haven't in front of you."

"Not with words. But you do it with weird looks and horrible body language," Blaire pointed out, causing me to shake my head.

"No, no. That isn't flirting. That's just me being an awkward gay mess."

Scoffing to herself, Blaire gave me a light shove as we reached my car, and she moved around to the passenger side and waited for me to unlock the car.

"Do all the boys have that effect on you? Or is it just the ones you can't have?" Blaire asked, and at her words, I felt my heart stutter.

"Low blow," I muttered, unlocking the car and getting in, throwing my bag into the backseat with my other bag.

"Sorry, you wanted a distraction," Blaire said softly, putting her seatbelt on and holding her bag in her lap. "Cooper is cute."

"He is."

"Hot, even," Blaire murmured, and I tilted my head at her as I started the car. "What?"

"Nothing. Just... thought you had eyes for someone else."

"Yeah. Riley. What I wouldn't give to get under that body," Blaire said dreamily, and I squinted my eyes at her before focusing my attention forward.

"Don't flirt with Cooper if you have something for someone else."

I didn't think I would already be feeling this protective over Cooper, but something clicked in me after hearing Blaire's words. I didn't want to see Cooper get hurt, and by looking at how he acted when talking to Blaire, he thought she was cute, at least.

Blaire's talk about another boy wasn't my only concern about the whole thing, though. The fact that Blaire didn't know Cooper was transgender also made me feel uneasy. I didn't want Cooper to build his hopes up and get close to Blaire only for her to turn him down at that information.

Was it even my place to be thinking about it or worrying about it? I mean, Cooper was openly transgender. Did that put the responsibility on Blaire's shoulders?

I had no idea. I knew nothing.

So much for a distraction.

My mind was not only focused on what would happen when I arrived home, but also on Blaire and Cooper and the fear that it may not end well. I had faith that Blaire would never do anything to hurt someone I cared about, but emotions could be a fickle thing. If anyone knew that, it was me.

Quickly trying to clear my mind, I started driving and pulled out of the school's parking lot. I didn't need the holy trinity of my problems to be plaguing my mind on the trip home. My heart was already on the verge of jumping out of my chest.

However, even though I was trying harder than ever to keep my mind clear and focus on driving, Leroy managed to slip in.

Leroy and his damn smile.