This Is Me

Slightly Terrified (Part One)

Slightly Terrified (Part One)

"How are you holding up?"

"How does it look like I'm holding up, Blaire?"

"Well, I just thought I'd ask. You know, assuming makes an ass out of you and me."

I was sitting in my room on the edge of my bed with Blaire lounging behind me. It had been almost a week since Brad had told me he had seen my video. Coming home from school on Monday, I was worried he would try to talk about it again, or that he had told our parents. However, he didn't. In fact, he had been giving me space, even going as far as to not taunt me like usual. It was concerning, and I was worried that him knowing I was gay was affecting our relationship.

On top of all of that, it had also been almost a week since I was introduced to Leroy's new 'girlfriend'—if you could call her that. Grace. Even thinking about her name made me quiver. Don't get me wrong, she's probably a wonderful girl, but jealousy is one heartless bitch.

"I think I should start wearing make-up," I threw the idea into the air while I fell backward onto Blaire's legs just as she snorted with laughter.

"Yeah, 'cause people definitely won't think you're gay then."

"It'll just be to hide the bags under my eyes. I look worse than Brad, and he looks like shit. Not that I've seen him much."

"Pete, it's not just the circles under your eyes that make you look like shit," Blaire pointed out, and while she was right, it still hurt a little to hear.

"You really know how to cheer someone up," I drooled sarcastically and shot her a glare while she gave me a sympathetic look.

"Look, worrying about it isn't going to help."

"Oh, wow. Thank you, Blaire. Your wisdom is almost cosmic."

"Hey, you're the one who's good at giving advice. Not me." Blaire kicked her legs up, causing my head to slam into her knee.

"I can't give myself advice, though, can I?" I complained, rubbing the back of my head before resting it back down on Blaire's legs. "So, you're going to have to step up.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin. My go-to strategy is to eat a lot of shitty food. That's how I cheer up."

"Well, I can't do that. I gotta stay in shape."

"What shape? Round?" Blaire let out another laugh, and I rolled my eyes.

"Har-har. I just want to sleep for a thousand years." I sighed, and I felt Blaire's hand fall onto my head before slipping through my hair.

"When you figure out how to become immortal, then that would be a possibility."

"When..." I murmured and chuckled to myself.

"Look, Pete," Blaire said suddenly, and I turned my head to look at her, and saw she was staring blankly at my ceiling. "I have no idea what to say to you. I want you to feel better and be happy. And I'm sorry that this shit is happening. But, like, remember that if you ever want somebody to bitch to, or talk to, or if you feel like you can't tell anybody something, remember that you have me, okay?"

"Thanks, Blaire. That means a lot."

It wasn't a lie, despite the apparent bluntness in my voice. It was just a little hard to sound happy at the moment. A lot was going on in my mind, what with Leroy, and the flash drive, so, currently, my mind was only set on being miserable and worried. Not really where I wanted it to be.

"When did being a teenager become so complicated?" Blaire wondered aloud, and I hummed in agreement with the question.

"It's always been complicated. I just made it worse."

"You know, Pete, you're going to look back on this one day, and wonder why you worried so much. I'm sure everything will be fine. It has to be, right?"

"God, I hope so."

We both fell silent, and I let my mind wander. If only I knew what the future would bring, maybe I wouldn't be worrying so much. Maybe what Blaire said would become a reality. One day, I may look back on who I am now and wonder why I worried. Perhaps I had no reason to worry.

God, why couldn't I be normal?

*

The next few days after my 'therapy' session with Blaire dragged on. It was torture. Not only did I have to pretend I wasn't falling in love with my best friend, but I also had to fake smile and act like I adored his new girlfriend. At many, many moments throughout each day that passed, I felt as if swallowing a sword would be better than seeing them together. No, that wasn't meant to be a double entendre.

Acting like I was okay was, actually, the easy part. The hard part was not continuing to fall in love with Leroy. You would think my brain would have at least tried to stop itself once it saw Leroy was clearly happy in his relationship. But no. If anything, my feelings for Leroy had skyrocketed. Every little thing he did became much more prominent, though I have no idea how. I was already noticing every mannerism he had like my senses had been dialled up to eleven. But, somehow, I'd managed to escalate them. Good fucking job, me.

Currently, I was trying not to stare at him in P.E.

"Mr Stone, were you going to join us today, or are you looking to get detention?" Mrs Tyson's voice reminded me that I was failing at that.

"Sorry, I zoned out for a second there," I replied, sheepishly smiling at my gym teacher as she shook her head.

"It's your turn to sprint. You're with Makenzie, Taylor, Clarke, Leroy, and Phillip."

"Oh, good," I murmured as I took my position next to Leroy.

As much as I didn't want to get too close to him for fear of not being able to control myself from saying or doing something stupid, I couldn't just avoid him. I didn't want him to know there was something wrong. As far as he knew, there wasn't, and I wanted to keep it that way.

"Still not sleeping, Pete?" Leroy asked in a hushed whisper as we both lowered ourselves and got ready for Mrs Tyson's command.

"Not as much as I'd like to, no."

I shot Leroy a smile, trying to indicate not to worry, but it seemed to have gotten lost in translation, as his whole faced dropped and he turned away from me.

Yeah, that was a punch to the gut.

-------------------------------------------

A/N: We're closing in on a BIG thing that happens.

That is all.

If you liked it, maybe leave a comment and hit that little vote button!

Feel free to PM me if you want, too. My inbox is always open!

Question:

Are you ready? (Get it? 'Cause they're gonna race).